“I hate all the children,especially mine”: Applying relational dialectics theory to examine the experiences of formerly childfree regretful parents

Abstract

Guided by relational dialectics theory (RDT), we analyzed 85 first-person testimonials of parental regret written by users of the /r/childfree subreddit. We interrogated how competing discourses animate what it means to be a parent (our semantic object). Contrapuntal analysis revealed dominant and marginalized Discourses of Parenting as Heaven (DPHN) and Parenting as Hell on Earth (DPHL), respectively, as well as a third Discourse of Parenting as (the Only) Choice (DPOC). We identified three kinds of dialogically contractive practices including a new form we call fear of missing out (FOMO), two forms of diachronic separation, four forms of synchronic interplay including a new form we introduce (i.e., allying) that is useful when more than two discourses compete, and one form of dialogic transformation. We argue that FOMO serves as a catalyst for diachronic separation. We offer practical implications for fencesitters (those “on the fence” about having children), counselors, and policymakers.

Keywords

Child free by choice communication dominant culture fear of missing out family or families parenthood power qualitative methods

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