Romantic pursuit decisions often require a person to risk one of the two errors: pursuing a romantic target when interest is not reciprocated (resulting in rejection) or failing to pursue a romantic target when interest is reciprocated (resulting in a missed romantic opportunity). In the present research, we examined how strongly people wish to avoid these two competing negative outcomes. When asked to recall a regrettable dating experience, participants were more than three times as likely to recall a missed opportunity rather than a rejection (Study 1). When presented with romantic pursuit dilemmas, participants perceived missed opportunities to be more regrettable than rejection (Studies 2–4), partially because they perceived missed opportunities to be more consequential to their lives (Studies 3 and 4). Participants were also more willing to risk rejection rather than missed romantic opportunities in the context of imagined (Study 4) and actual (Study 5) pursuit decisions. These effects generally extended even to less secure individuals (low self-esteem, high attachment anxiety). Overall, these studies suggest that motivation to avoid missed romantic opportunities may help to explain how people overcome fears of rejection in the pursuit of potential romantic partners.
BakerL. R.McNultyJ. K. (2013). When low self-esteem encourages behaviors that risk rejection to increase interdependence: The role of relational self-construal. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104, 995–1018.
2.
BaumeisterR. F.LearyM. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117, 497–529.
3.
BeikeD. R.MarkmanK. D.KaradoganF. (2008). What we regret most are lost opportunities: A theory of regret intensity. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 385–397.
4.
BirnbaumG. E.MizrahiM.KaplanA.KadoshD.KarivD.TabibD.…BurbanS. (2017). Sex unleashes your tongue: Sexual priming motivates self-disclosure to a new acquaintance and interest in future interactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 43, 706–715.
5.
BrehmJ. W. (1956). Postdecision changes in the desirability of alternatives. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 52, 384–389.
6.
BussD. M.SchmittD. P. (1993). Sexual strategies theory: An evolutionary perspective on human mating. Psychological Review, 100, 204–232.
7.
ByrneR. M. J.McEleneyA. (2000). Counterfactual thinking about actions and failures to act. Journal of Experimental Psychology: Learning, Memory, and Cognition, 26, 1318–1331.
8.
CameronJ. J.StinsonD. A.GaetzR.BalchenS. (2010). Acceptance is in the eye of the beholder: Self-esteem and motivated perceptions of acceptance from the opposite sex. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 99, 513–529.
9.
ChenZ.KiplingD. W.FitnessJ.NewtonN. C. (2008). When hurt will not heal: Exploring the capacity to relive social and physical pain. Psychological Science, 19, 789–795.
10.
DePauloB. (2014). Single in a society preoccupied with couples. In CoplanR. J.BowkerJ. C. (Eds.), The handbook of solitude (pp. 302–316). West Sussex: Wiley.
11.
DeWallC. N.BushmanB. J. (2011). Social acceptance and rejection: The sweet and the bitter. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 20, 256–260.
12.
DiamondL. (2014). Romantic love. In ShiotaM.TugadeM.KirbyL. (Eds.), Handbook of positive emotions (pp. 311–328). New York, NY: Guilford.
13.
EastwickP. W.FinkelE. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner?Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94, 245–264.
14.
FeeneyJ. A.NollerP.HanrahanM. (1994). Assessing adult attachment. In SperlingM. B.BermanW. H. (Eds.), Attachment in adults: Clinical and developmental perspectives (pp. 128–152). New York, NY: Guilford.
15.
FinkelE. J.EastwickP. W. (2009). Arbitrary social norms influence sex differences in romantic selectivity. Psychological Science, 20, 1290–1295.
16.
FletcherG. J. O.SimpsonJ. A.CampbellL.OverallN. C. (2015). Pair-bonding, romantic love, and evolution: The curious case of Homo sapiens. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10, 20–36.
17.
GereJ.MacDonaldG.JoelS.SpielmannS. S.ImpettE. A. (2013). The independent contributions of social reward and threat perceptions to romantic commitment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105, 961–977.
18.
GilovichT.MedvecV. H. (1994). The temporal pattern to the experience of regret. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67, 357–365.
19.
GilovichT.MedvecV. H. (1995). The experience of regret: What, when, and why. Psychological Review, 102, 379–395.
20.
GonzagaG. C.KeltnerD.LondahlE. A.SmithM. D. (2001). Love and the commitment problem in romantic relations and friendship. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 81, 247–262.
21.
Holt-LunstadJ.BirminghamW.JonesB. Q. (2008). Is there something unique about marriage? The impact of marital status, relationship quality, and network social support on ambulatory blood pressure and mental health. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 35, 239–244.
22.
JoelS.MacDonaldG.Page-GouldE. (2018). Wanting to stay and wanting to go: Unpacking the content and structure of relationship stay/leave decision processes. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 9, 631–644.
23.
JoelS.MacDonaldG.PlaksJ. E. (2012). Attachment anxiety uniquely predicts regret proneness in close relationship contexts. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 3, 348–355.
24.
JoelS.MacDonaldG.PlaksJ. E. (2013). Romantic relationships conceptualized as a judgment and decision-making domain. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22, 461–465.
25.
JoelS.MacDonaldG.ShimotomaiA. (2011). Conflicting pressures on relationship commitment for anxiously attached individuals. Journal of Personality, 59, 51–74.
26.
JoelS.TeperR.MacDonaldG. (2014). People overestimate their willingness to reject potential romantic partners by overlooking their concern for others. Psychological Science, 25, 2233–2240.
27.
KimH. K.McKendryP. C. (2002). The relationship between marriage and psychological well-being: A longitudinal analysis. Journal of Family Issues, 23, 885–911.
28.
LandmanJ. (1987). Regret and elation following action and inaction: Affective responses to positive versus negative outcomes. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 4, 524–536.
29.
MacDonaldG. (2009). Social pain and hurt feelings. In CorrP. J.MatthewsG. (Eds.), Cambridge handbook of personality psychology (pp. 541–555). New York, NY: Cambridge University Press.
30.
MacDonaldG.LearyM. R. (2005). Why does social exclusion hurt? The relationship between social and physical pain. Psychological Bulletin, 131, 202–223.
31.
MacDonaldG.LockeK.SpielmannS. S.JoelS. (2013). Insecure attachment predicts ambivalent social threat and reward perceptions in romantic relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30, 647–661.
32.
McClureM. J.LydonJ. E. (2014). Anxiety doesn’t become you: How attachment anxiety compromises relational opportunities. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 106, 89–111.
33.
McClureM. J.LydonJ. E.BaccusJ. R.BaldwinM. W. (2010). A signal detection analysis of chronic attachment anxiety at speed dating: Being unpopular is only the first part of the problem. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36, 1024–1036.
34.
MikulincerM.ShaverP. R.Bar-OnN.Ein-DorT. (2010). The pushes and pulls of close relationships: Attachment insecurities and relational ambivalence. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98, 450–468.
35.
MorrisonM.RoeseN. J. (2011). Regrets of the typical American: Findings from a nationally representative sample. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 2, 576–583.
36.
MurrayS. L.DerrickJ. L.LederS.HolmesJ. G. (2008). Balancing connectedness and self-protection goals in close relationships: A levels-of-processing perspective on risk regulation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94, 429–459.
37.
MurrayS. L.HolmesJ. G.CollinsN. L. (2006). Optimizing assurance: The risk regulation system in relationships. Psychological Bulletin, 132, 641–666.
38.
MyersD. G.DienerE. (1995). Who is happy?Psychological Science, 6, 10–19.
39.
NordgrenL. F.BanasK.MacDonaldG. (2011). Empathy gaps for social pain: Why people underestimate the pain of social suffering. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 100, 120–128.
40.
PreacherK. J.HayesA. F. (2004). SPSS and SAS procedures for estimating indirect effects in simple mediation models. Behavior Research Methods, Instruments & Computers, 36, 717–731.
41.
RebJ. (2008). Regret aversion and decision process quality: Effects of regret salience on decision process carefulness. Organizational and Human Decision Processes, 105, 169–182.
42.
RoeseN. J. (1994). The functional basis of counterfactual thinking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66, 805–818.
43.
RoeseN. J.PenningtonG. L.ColemanJ.JanickiM.LiN. P.KenrickD. T. (2006). Sex differences in regret: All for love or some for lust?Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 32, 770–780.
44.
RosenbergM. (1965). Society and the adolescent self-image. Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press.
45.
SchoemannA. M.GillathO.SeskoA. K. (2012). Regrets, I’ve had a few: Effects of dispositional and manipulated attachment on regret. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 29, 795–819.
46.
SchoenbornC. A. (2004). Marital status and health: United States, 1999-2002. Advance Data, 351, 1–32.
47.
SetaJ. J.McElroyT.SetaC. E. (2001). To do or not to do: Desirability and consistency mediate judgments of regret. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 80, 861–870.
ShiotaM. N.CamposB.KeltnerD.HertensteinM. J. (2004). Positive emotion and the regulation of interpersonal relationships. In PhilippotP.FeldmanR. S. (Eds.), The regulation of emotion (pp. 129–157). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
50.
SpielmannS. S.MacDonaldG.TackettJ. L. (2012). Social threat, social reward, and regulation of investment in romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 19, 601–622.
51.
SpielmannS. S.MacDonaldG.MaxwellJ. A.JoelS.PeragineD.MuiseA.ImpettE. A. (2013a). Settling for less out of fear of being single. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 105, 1049–1073.
52.
SpielmannS. S.MaxwellJ. A.MacDonaldG.BarattaP. L. (2013b). Don’t get your hopes up: Avoidantly attached individuals perceive lower social reward when there is potential for intimacy. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 39, 91–107.
53.
StinsonD. A.CameronJ. J.HoplockL. B.HoleC. (2015). Warming up and cooling down: Self-esteem and behavioral responses to social threat during relationship initiation. Self and Identity, 14, 189–213.
54.
TsirosM.MittalV. (2000). Regret: A model of its antecedents and consequences in consumer decision making. Journal of Consumer Research, 26, 401–417.
55.
UchinoB. N.CawthonR. M.SmithT. W.LightK. C.McKenzieJ.CarlisleM.…BowenK. (2012). Social relationships and health: Is feeling positive, negative, or both (ambivalent) about your social ties related to telomeres?Health Psychology, 31, 789–796.
56.
van HarreveldF.RutiensB. T.RotteveelM.NordgrenL. F.van der PligtJ. (2009). Ambivalence and decisional conflict as a cause of psychological discomfort: Feeling tense before jumping off the fence. Journal of Empirical Social Psychology, 45, 167–170.
57.
VorauerJ. D.CameronJ. J.HolmesJ. G.PearceD. G. (2003). Invisible overtures: Fears of rejection and the signal amplification bias. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84, 793–812.
58.
WroeA. L.TurnerN.SalkovskisP. M. (2004). Understanding and predicting parental decisions about early childhood immunizations. Health Psychology, 23, 33–41.
59.
WroschC.BaumerI.ScheierM. F. (2005). Regret and quality of life across the adult life span: The influence of disengagement and available future goals. Psychology and Aging, 20, 657–670.
60.
ZeelenbergM.PietersR. (2004). Consequences of regret aversion in real life: The case of the Ditch postcode lottery. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 93, 155–168.
61.
ZeelenbergM.PietersR. (2007). A theory of regret regulation 1.0. Journal of Consumer Psychology, 17, 3–18.
62.
ZeelenbergM.van der PligtJ.MansteadA. S. R. (1998). Undoing regret on Dutch television: Apologizing for interpersonal regrets involving actions or inactions. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 24, 1113–1119.
63.
ZeelenbergM.van DijkW. W.van der PligtJ.MansteadA. S. R.van EmpelenP.ReindermanD. (1998). Emotional reactions to the outcomes of decisions: The role of counterfactual thought in the experience of regret and disappointment. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 75, 117–141.
Supplementary Material
Please find the following supplemental material available below.
For Open Access articles published under a Creative Commons License, all supplemental material carries the same license as the article it is associated with.
For non-Open Access articles published, all supplemental material carries a non-exclusive license, and permission requests for re-use of supplemental material or any part of supplemental material shall be sent directly to the copyright owner as specified in the copyright notice associated with the article.
