Abstract
The U.N. inspectors now in Iraq may or may not uncover enormous stockpiles of prohibited materiel. And after the search for Iraqi weapons is resolved (one way or another), there may be a clamor to take an equally in-depth look at North Korea. No one yet knows. But what we do know: Conducting inspections in Iraq is not a cushy assignment. And I am reliably informed that spending several months in North Korea is even less enjoyable. So if the United States–under cover of U.N. baby blue, is going to be poking its nose into any country it pleases, then it would be much better for U.S./U.N. relations if on occasion a more desirable country could be accused of having hidden weapons caches.
What if U.S. intelligence sources reported that Switzerland has, or is developing, weapons of mass destruction? All those Swiss chocolatiers, clockmakers, and money managers could be described as turning their well-tuned technical abilities to secretly developing toxic chemicals, lethal germs, and nuclear bombs. Just for fun, U.S. intelligence could add that Switzerland has been purchasing missiles to deliver its deadly weapons from an impoverished, previously mentioned Asian country that has been known to pile Scud missiles on top of each other. (Although these missiles have failed to travel more than 900 miles, U.S. intelligence sources rate their range at more than 3,000, so the CIA could assert that the Swiss may be within weeks of being able to target New York or Washington.)
One should not be deceived, Senator Blowhorn could suggest, by either the bucolic nature of the countryside nor by the tiresome Swiss profession of neutrality (beginning in the thirteenth century). Isn't it true, Blowhorn will add, narrowing his eyes to tiny, suspicious slits, that despite Switzerland's declarations of peaceful intent, the country's policy is “armed neutrality”?
Don't be so sure, Blowhorn will go on, that Switzerland's reasons for rejecting membership in NATO (and the European Union) are entirely peaceful. Geneva and Zurich could be hotbeds of war-planning activity.
The more intellectual crowd could plead that despite Zurich's reputation–reported in Walter and Eva Kramer's Lexikon der Städtebeschimpfungen, or Dictionary of Insults to Cities, as being “twice the size of the Vienna central cemetery, but only half as much fun”–they know it hankers after regional hegemony.
For the sake of world peace, Switzerland must be disarmed, Blow-horn will say. And when the skeptics reply that if he thinks Switzerland wants the bomb he must be out of his mind, he'll remind them that Switzerland thought about acquiring the bomb once before (which is true). And if the Swiss wanted a bomb then, the senator will add, using the impeccable logic of today, what reason is there to think they don't want one now?
As soon as the United Nations announces its inspection trip to Switzerland, the United States will point out, even before the inspectors go in, that not finding weapons doesn't mean they're not there. It only means those devious European cheeseheads have hidden their deadly arsenals deep within their theoretically picturesque mountains.