Abstract
Same-sex marriage is all the rage these days and supporting it is a civil-rights no brainer. But sociologist Suzanna Danuta Walters warns us that we should never imagine that gaining this signals the end of homophobia or the beginning of deep social belonging.
If, say, Beyoncé did in fact request that I put a ring on it, I would be hard-pressed to shout: “No way gorgeous and rich superstar! I want no part of your bilious institution, trailing years of gender, race, and class inequity, miring the movement in the most tepid of demands. Fie on you and your wedding industry and legitimized love!” I would, alas, fall to my knees to rock out the best proposal this middle-aged lesbian could manage.
Absent a whirlwind celebrity romance, however, there are assuredly no nuptials in my future. Does that make me a bad homosexual? Or just a cranky feminist, turning my back as the wedding bouquet is gaily thrown? Are we feminist and queer marriage critics pissing in the winds of history?
Marriage is a seriously problematic institution. Put that on your wedding cake.
Don’t get me wrong: some kind of justice has surely been done. Striking down the odious Defense of Marriage Act and allowing the challenge to Prop 8 to stand is simply the right thing to do. Listening to the SCOTUS coverage, I, too, was caught up in the excitement. I came out in a different era; back then, I couldn’t have imagined this day, let along the more generalized shift in public attitudes towards gays.
But same-sex marriage has largely been won by making one totally kosher claim and two (or many, many more…) hugely problematic ones. The legit claim is the simple one of equal treatment under the law. It’s a no-brainer.
The second, more specious claim, used in amicus briefs throughout the country, is that gays should get their marriage because they are “born that way” and therefore their immutable homo-ness puts them in the same category as other groups with supposedly immutable qualities. “We can’t help ourselves” is the (flawed, sad) identity argument at the core of much of marriage argumentation and pro-gay discourse more generally.
The third—also problematic—claim is that legalizing same-sex marriage won’t affect straight marriages. To which I have to say: if queer marriages don’t alter straight sensibilities around gender and intimacy and family, then they are strangely not queer at all. More tellingly, they’re not worth all the fuss.
We are told that marriage equality is the culmination of the long march of progress; soon we’ll live in a happy rainbow world of official homolove. Lawyers and plaintiffs claim court decisions make us “more equal,” make our families “more legitimate.” And here we’d thought we were pretty legitimate without marriage, and that our children weren’t torn apart by the agony of unmarried mothers. My 19-year-old feminist daughter (raised by a single mother—the horror!) widened her eyes at that old anti-feminist canard being trotted out and declaimed with nary a whiff of irony.
Love is no more legitimate or good or valuable if the state makes it official, and garnering a basic victory is not the same as making the world a more genuinely amenable place for sexual difference. Marriage rights are not synonymous with full citizenship or true belonging. Girlfriend: marriage is a seriously problematic institution historically rooted in ownership and gender inequity. Put that on your wedding cake.
So as I listen to the victory speeches I have a smile on my face, but I also hear the voices of my friends who have pledged not to take part in the rush to the altar. I hear the voices of the poor, the disenfranchised, the gays of color for whom marriage is hardly the golden egg. I am sickened by the wedding industry that bilks billions out of those who need these resources for health care and housing and everyday life, while HIV/AIDS remains an international crisis. And coming as this does on the heels of the despicable gutting of the Voting Rights Act, this high court victory is a little bittersweet.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ll drink some champagne at your wedding. Let’s just not imagine that this is all we can imagine.