Abstract
“Be assertive, but not aggressive. Be feminine, but not too passive. Be sexually adventurous, but don’t alienate men with your sexual prowess” (p. 5). These are just some of the conflicting messages young women receive about expected behavior. While women have more options than ever before, they also spend early adulthood hearing the doom and gloom of the ticking clock. In an age where they are increasingly college-educated and primary breadwinners, women seek to reconcile these contradictory messages. In Hard to Get, Leslie Bell sets out to better understand this phenomenon in order to know “which versions of freedom are truly liberating for women and which versions come with their own, new limitations” (p. 9).
So what does it mean to be a liberated woman in the 21st century? Hard to Get provides a close examination of the lives of 20-something, highly educated women who struggle to balance external messages and internal desires. Data on sociological trends, specifically college-educated women’s marriage and childbearing rates, give evidence of a new period in adulthood, albeit for a privileged slice of the population.
Bell argues that many women develop “strategies of desire” to navigate conflicting desires. Women’s experience is organized into three categories: the sexual woman, the relational woman, and the desiring woman. Both the sexual woman and the relational woman sacrifice one desire for another, believing it impossible to manage conflicting desires or achieve all of one’s desires simultaneously. The desiring woman, conversely, recognizes and embraces complexity and negotiates a healthy balance that values sex, relationships, and work.
While Bell clearly describes the sample characteristics, she may underestimate the distinctiveness of this particular subgroup of highly educated women. Bell herself acknowledges an underrepresentation of African American women and religious women; however, she intentionally oversamples participants who are ethnic minorities and/or identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer.
The presentation of research findings assumes a baseline understanding of psychological processes, which dominates Bell’s interpretation of strategies of desire. Bell argues that “splitting”—“a tendency to think in either/or patterns and to insist that one cannot feel two seemingly contradictory desires at once”—is a widespread sociological phenomenon among young women (p. 15).
For a research audience, a highlight of the book comes in the appendix, where Bell eloquently describes her methodological choices. Bell’s background as a sociologist and psychotherapist clearly comes through as a strength, directing analysis toward important contextual and emotional factors, providing a richer interpretation of women’s experiences.
This book has particular relevance for those who work with young women and girls, from early elementary education through college and beyond. A consistent theme throughout the individual interviews highlights the struggle for making sense of experiences, which can be aided through conversations with caregivers, mentors, and professionals.
Toward the end of the book, Bell comments that one of every four women interviewed experienced sexual violence, coinciding with national statistics. Retellings of sexual experiences included elements of coercion and discomfort. Although one can understand the complexity of emotions and shifting recall of one’s experiences, more attention should be given to the seemingly predominant experience of reluctance and regret in sexual exchanges. The many stories of frustration, confusion, and disappointment bear light on the possible harms of “hooking up culture,” where sexuality and freedom may actually be limited more than enhanced.