Book Review: The Gender Trap: Parents and the Pitfalls of Raising Boys and Girls

I mean, I have a heart attack every time she says, “I’m not smart, I’m beautiful.” And I keep saying, “Well, you can be smart and beautiful.” And she says, “No, I’m just beautiful.” So, clearly, she’s receiving that message. (p. 178)

One of the first questions asked of expectant parents is “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” From the gifts received to the nicknames used, there is no doubt that children are given messages about their gender from the moment of their birth. In The Gender Trap, Emily W. Kane explores how parents understand the origins of gender and the direct and indirect lessons that they transmit to their children about how to live as a girl or boy. Using an intersectionality framework, she conducted in-depth interviews with 42 parents who had at least one child aged 3–5, an age range chosen because of the importance that gender plays in self-concept during this developmental period. Her subjects were diverse in terms of race, gender, sexuality, socioeconomic class, and family composition, and although these identities were not explicitly addressed in her interview questions, Kane speculates on the role they may play.

Focusing on the tension between nature and nurture, Kane delineates five parenting philosophies and practices that are related to gender development. Naturalizers view gender as innate and largely immutable. Although these parents tend to deemphasize their role in the construction of their child’s gender, they are likely to redirect behavior that does not conform to traditional gender norms. Cultivators actively nurture gender-normative behavior and both recognize and take pride in their role in the gendering process. Refiners attribute gender to both biological and sociological factors and are particularly sensitive to outsiders’ judgments about their children’s nonnormative gendered behavior. Although they recognize that stereotypical conceptions of gender can be problematic, they do not feel compelled to disrupt the status quo. Innovators, on the other hand, exhibit greater agency in challenging gender norms. They view gender as socially constructed and equally promote both typical and atypical gender behavior; they are also least concerned about the larger social repercussions of their actions. The final group, Resisters, view gender as performative and are more apt to tolerate gender-normative behavior than to encourage it. They are the most likely group to notice hegemonic norms; however, they are also likely to feel constrained by societal norms and more pessimistic about the opportunities for social change.

At various points in the book, Kane notes that parents tend more readily to accept their daughters acting in gender nonconforming ways (particularly in athletic and occupational settings) than their sons. This devaluing of the feminine is troubling, and an exploration of ways to challenge this bias and begin to elicit change among parents could have been explored more thoroughly in the short “Implications for Change” section of the conclusion. The Gender Trap is a valuable exploration of the parental role in both shaping and dismantling gender performativity in children.