How to argue with a very emotional person: A handy guide to debating successfully in an age when people are shying away from it

Think you are not up to having a debate? Timandra Harkness has some tips

FIRST, ADMIT TO yourself that you are also an emotional person. Nobody ever argues if they have no feelings about an issue. So now you are on an equal footing. Second, admit that all of us (yes, including you) build our arguments from reasons that back up our position. That’s what you’re doing. That’s what your opponent is doing. Your reasons probably seem as unreasonable to them as theirs do to you.

None of this means that you’re both equally right. Believing the world is flat doesn’t make it true. But to somebody who believes it is, it feels as true as your belief that it’s round (I’m making an assumption here).

Imagine them calling you stupid, ignorant, deluded and bigoted. That’s pretty much how they feel when you call them those things – angry, defensive and not very receptive to your brilliant arguments.

CREDIT: Gary Waters/Ikon

What’s your goal? To change their mind? Then you need to find out why they believe what they do. Ask them, listen to the answers. If you ask enough questions, you should find out what they think, and why. Who do they trust? How do they choose what evidence to accept and what to ignore? Even asking those questions will help them test their own beliefs without feeling attacked. It goes without saying that you should be prepared to do the same thing.

Throwing facts seldom changes anybody’s mind. Disappointing, I know. Even a graph (and I love a graph as much as … OK, 37% more than the next person) won’t bring about an epiphany on its own. People don’t disagree with you because they haven’t seen enough graphs. They see the world in a different way, and you need to understand that before you can start to persuade them to change their minds. Changing our minds about the world, about how it is or how it should be, is hard. Humans go to impressive lengths to justify our existing positions.

You need to make it easy for your opponent to shift ground without losing face, or feeling that their world no longer makes sense. Invite them to join you in a place where everyone is at least open to considering other opinions respectfully, without necessarily conceding on principles. Finding such common ground on which to disagree means you have a foundation for fruitful debate in future.

Most people are open to persuasion by reason and evidence if they’re given the opportunity to be reasonable. And even if they aren’t, by arguing respectfully and reasonably yourself, you may persuade a third party who is watching, listening to, or reading the argument.