The Psychiatry Ashes Test: July update

In the Commentary Box:

Philip Boyce and Gin Malhi

Expectations had been riding high for this Test match; could the British finally get revenge for their recent drubbing, or would the colonials from Down Under continue to have the upper hand?

There were hopes that the selectors might be adventurous and bring in some new blood, but they have, instead, settled for experience and reliability. Both teams seamed [sic] strong and it looked to be a pretty even match – at least on paper. The conditions were excellent; the pages had been whitened, the ink was poised to flow and interruptions to play were unlikely – barring editorial interference.

With the wicket doing little, the Antipodeans tried some outrageous spin that was comfortably matched by the British playing a straight line, but, because of this, runs were hard to find. Indeed, it wasn’t until Cuijpers came to the crease, somewhat creased, that the British, finally, were able to influence the field, and his strong innings began to make their total soar.

Curiously, it was at this sore point in the proceedings that the Antipodeans started to get the ball to reverse prodigiously, which, given the flat conditions, raised not only a few eyebrows but also some apostrophes. At one point, when questioned by the umpires, Malhi, the Antipodean captain, vehemently denied that any colons had been inserted or manuscripts surreptitiously polished – though many of the British team seemed to feel that their eyes had been dotted and their boundaries had been crossed.

The innings started slowly until Martin came to the crease with a spectacular, typically flashy, innings penetrating the field with panache – and other such words borrowed from European colleagues – soon to be ‘Brexited’ – as will no doubt some of the British team!

The surprise of the day was with Scott’s performance (on the field and on the page), hitting the cite screen with unnerving accuracy accruing a score of 444 (see Score Board – Figure 1). The umpires were bewildered initially as to how to signal this unique quadruple nelson – and then decided that it was best communicated by the Macarena. Watching Porter and Kaufmann waving their quills with uncapped abandon was quite a sight to behold.

Figure 1.

Scoreboard.

As the British became frustrated at their lack of success with the ball, they made some ill-advised referrals to have decisions reviewed, with the referee adjudicating in favour of the better batter – not to be confused with the oft-heard phrase, ‘I can’t believe it’s not butter … that they’re using to grease the ball’.

As we go into the adjournment, the Antipodeans seem to have an advantage (in addition to simply not being British), but the game is not over yet, and there is still plenty of time for Bhui’s Brexiteers to get out of this predicament.