The Dance of Closeness-Distance in Couple Relationships after the Death of a Parent

Abstract

In-depth interviews of 18 couples focused on the couple relationship after a partner experienced the death of a parent. Working from a view of couple relationships as involving a dance of closeness and distance, never getting too far apart or coming too close, the article explores how a parent's death can alter the conditions, forms, and grounds of closeness-distance and how issues of support following the death are entangled in the dance. As they grieve, bereaved partners might want closeness at some times, distance at others, and might welcome or reject offered support. A parent death may be freeing in terms of time or emotion and may profoundly effect thoughts about the meaning of life. The dance of closeness-distance may change if people feel freed by the death and work with new life meanings. Closeness-distance is also affected by how partners feel about what they shared or did not share as a result of the loss. Further complicating the dance are the effects of practical issues that may arise following a parent death, including dealing with a surviving parent and with the estate of the deceased.

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