This is an autobiographical account of an episode of life-threatening endotoxin shock experienced in the intensive care unit of a university-affiliated V.A. hospital. It was written within a day of the event by a psychiatrist interested in sharing with other physicians and nurses his harrowing time as a patient. He has added some afterthoughts as his perspective has broadened. The account presents the moment-to-moment events as he perceived them as well as his thoughts, feelings and fantasies. The ambiguities of being a psychiatrist-patient with its passivity-control, intellectual defenses, denial and fears of death are prominent in his thoughts.
