Abstract
This study examines the discourse surrounding shame in Israeli-Hebrew online peer-advice forums. Employing a discursive psychology approach, we analyze how shame is mobilized in advice requests and addressed by commentators in these sites characterized by increased emotional exposure and disinhibited communication. Drawing on a corpus of posts from a leading Israeli advice forum containing explicit expressions of shame, our findings reveal distinct peer support patterns that often challenge the poster’s emotional experience and perspective, frequently using blunt, face-threatening language. This approach aligns with ‘dugri empathy’, a care discourse style rooted in the direct, action-oriented Israeli communication ethos. Peer responses typically aim to reframe shame-inducing situations, normalize experiences, or dismiss the relevance of shame, reflecting cultural norms of directness in emotional support. In contrast, responses from trained NGO volunteers adhere to Western therapeutic practices, emphasizing validation and exploration of emotions. This disparity highlights a tension between cultural support norms and professional approaches to mental health in online spaces. Our study contributes to understanding how cultural communication styles shape emotional discourse and support strategies in anonymous online communities, offering insights into the complex interplay between emotion, cultural norms, and digital communication.
Keywords
Introduction
In the digital age, online forums have become prevalent platforms for seeking and providing anonymous support for a wide range of personal and social issues (Pendry and Salvatore, 2015). These sites are often characterized by amplified emotional expression (Landqvist, 2016), which serves various discursive functions, such as narrative construction, causal reasoning, and accountability allocation (Edwards, 1999).
Among the myriad emotions expressed in these forums, shame stands out as a particularly complex concept shaping both the content and dynamics of online discourse. Shame, an intense and often debilitating emotion, arises from an individual’s perception of failing to meet societal expectations (Lewis, 1995). While expressing shame in person can be difficult due to ‘shame about shame’ (Kaufman, 1989), the anonymity of online settings appears to create a space where individuals feel more comfortable disclosing their shame-inducing experiences and seeking support.
Research on online advice-giving and emotional support has revealed diverse patterns across languages and cultures. Most studies show various strategies of empathy and hedged advice, with variations in directness, emotional emphasis, and face-saving strategies. For instance, studies of English-language forums show that advice-givers frequently establish credibility through sharing personal experiences, and employ various solidarity-building strategies such as expressions of empathy, encouragement, and reassurance. Morrow’s (2006) analysis of a British health forum demonstrates how advice-givers prioritize solidarity through sharing personal experiences and indirect suggestions, reflecting broader Anglo cultural norms of politeness. In contrast, research on Spanish-language forums demonstrates a preference for more direct advice-giving approaches, where straightforwardness signals closeness and non-hierarchical relationships (Fitch, 1994). These findings highlight the importance of cultural context in shaping online support dynamics.
This study examines how shame is expressed and addressed in Israeli-Hebrew online forums. Employing a discursive psychology framework (DP, Edwards and Potter, 1992), it aims to examine how shame is expressed, addressed, negotiated, and potentially transformed within the context of online peer-advice forums, where cultural patterns of communication intersect with the particular dynamics of anonymous online interaction.
The paper proceeds as follows: Section ‘Interaction and emotion in online peer-advice forums’ reviews literature on interaction in online peer-advice forums, emotional discourse and support in these spaces, and theoretical approaches to shame. Section ‘Data and Methodology’ describes our data collection from Israeli online forums and explains our methodological framework. Section ‘Analysis’ presents our analysis, examining first how shame is mobilized in advice-seeking posts, and then analyzing the patterns of peer and expert responses to expressions of shame. Section ‘Discussion and Conclusions’ discusses our findings in light of Israeli cultural communication patterns.
Interaction and emotion in online peer-advice forums
Advice in online forums
Social media platforms have become valuable sites for the exchange of information and support concerning various life challenges, including mental health (McCosker, 2018), romantic relationships (Kim et al., 2017), motherhood (Mungham and Lazard, 2011), or infertility (Pearce et al., 2024). Among these platforms, peer-advice forums present several advantages for participants: they are accessible from any location, free of charge, and enable anonymity and asynchronous communication, which can facilitate discussions of difficult experiences without the pressure often linked to face-to-face interactions. Despite the written, delayed, and impersonal nature of communication on these forums, most patterns for seeking and providing advice remain similar to those observed in other advice-giving contexts (Kouper, 2010).
Advice can be defined as ‘opinions or counsel given by people who perceive themselves as knowledgeable and/or whom the advice seeker may view as credible, trustworthy, and reliable’ (DeCapua and Dunham, 1993). As Kouper (2010) notes, this definition acknowledges the assignment of roles at play on both sides of the interaction: seeking advice inherently challenges the advice seeker’s face, temporarily diminishing their perceived knowledge and competence, while advice givers must establish their credibility and worthiness, all while recognizing that recipients may not always view advice as a form of social support (Goldsmith, 2004). These interactional negotiations of expertise, face, and social support unfold according to the politeness norms characteristic of a given culture (Hinkel, 1997).
In the context of North American culture, for instance, advice-seeking and giving behaviors typically involve mechanisms of mitigation of both parties. On the part of the seeker, they can be manifested as elaborated backgrounds to justify the request (Kouper, 2010); the (non-professional) giver, on the other hand, can mitigate their advice through hedges like ‘maybe’ or ‘I think’ (Locher and Hoffman, 2006). Conversely, direct advice is often favored in certain contexts and cultures. Kouper (2010) found that when the problem is simple and the seeker has no emotional stance regarding the situation, unhedged direct advice is provided, without proof of authority. Additionally, in many Spanish-speaking countries, where a straightforward approach signifies intimacy and a non-hierarchical relationship, direct advice is also desirable (Félix-Brasdefer, 2005; Fitch, 1994; Glide, 2015).
Emotional discourse and support in online forums
While advice-seeking and giving generally involve calculated communication, online platforms can also lead to a phenomenon known as disinhibition, as described by Suler (2004). Disinhibition presents itself in two seemingly contradictory manners. On the one hand, individuals may demonstrate benign disinhibition, revealing deeply personal aspects of their lives, including profound emotions while also engaging in acts of kindness and generosity. On the other hand, disinhibition may be manifested as impoliteness, evident in harsh criticism, and even threats. Surler attributes this duality to the anonymity and asynchronicity enabled in online communication, which can lessen the sense of responsibility typically associated with face-to-face interactions.
Due to the disinhibited nature of these forums, online advice platforms often facilitate heightened emotional expression (Landqvist, 2016). Researchers have highlighted the significance of emotional discourse and the emotional support provided by participants in these environments; in certain cases, emotional support may be valued even more than practical advice, as studies on peer support forums in English (Smithson et al., 2011) and Swedish (Carlsson et al., 2016) show, based on the numbers of comments focused on emotional support rather than informational content. Emotional support in these forums often emerges through the expression of empathy, which can occur in various forms, such as sharing personal emotional reactions, validating the advisee’s feelings, and demonstrating an understanding of their experiences (Bates, 2021).
Most research concerning peer advice in online forums focuses on dedicated platforms that concentrate on specific topics or experiences, functioning as support groups for issues such as breast cancer, self-harm, or divorce. Participants in these forums share similar interests or life challenges and may develop ongoing virtual relationships with fellow members – which may increase the emotional engagement and motivation to express empathy (Hargreaves et al., 2018).
However, despite its pivotal role in online advice forums, discursive studies of emotional expression and support have not sufficiently scrutinized the selection of emotional lexemes and the discursive roles of specific emotional concepts. Understanding the roles of emotion lexemes reveals key aspects of online advice discourse: they show how posters construct their identities as advice-seekers, how emotional support is negotiated, and how cultural communication norms shape responses to emotional disclosures. As our study demonstrates, explicit expressions of shame often mobilize responses that aim to reframe the poster’s emotional experience, revealing how emotional lexemes function as resources for negotiating both personal distress and social support.
Only a few studies have directly examined the term ‘shame’ in online forums – all of them are in English: Basinger et al. (2020) and Padley (2022) illustrate how the term contributes to the construction of narratives of stigma in posts from individuals dealing with diabetes and obesity, respectively. While these studies underscore the role of shame in articulating marginalized and painful experiences, Berg (2015) offers a distinct perspective by analyzing shame as a dynamic discursive element within online support forums for women who have experienced domestic violence. Berg demonstrates how shame intertwines with broader discourses of victim-blaming, showing that reframing shame through dialogue within the forum serves to validate the experiences of women who may feel responsible for their victimization.
These studies emphasize the centrality of emotions in discussions surrounding life challenges within these popular sites. They show how the use of emotion discourse (Bednarek, 2009) and specific emotional concepts plays a crucial role in key discursive actions such as narrative construction, self-positioning as vulnerable actors, expressing empathy, and mechanisms of empowerment. However, no comprehensive study has been dedicated to exploring the discursive functions of expressions of shame in online forums. Understanding these functions is significant, since shame shapes how individuals seek and receive support in digital spaces, reflects broader societal norms about what constitutes shameful experiences, and reveals how cultural communication patterns influence emotional support practices.
This study describes key interactional patterns in online advice forums, including the emotional framing of problems, positioning of one as vulnerable, and community responses to sensitive disclosures, revealing both individual coping mechanism and collective support strategies.
Shame and its discursive potential
Shame is an intensive painful emotional experience, which is perceived as attributing transgression to the global and stable self (Lewis, 1995; Wong and Tsai, 2007), and is considered to be a response to a failure to live up to an ideal self-goal (Kristjánsson, 2010). It is a self-conscious emotion, that is, an emotion that is based on the experience of an outside view on the subject in light of social norms (Cooley, 1922; Fessler, 2007; Sabini et al., 2001). Shame contains an element of undesired exposure and prompts a wish to hide, to disappear, or even to die (Lewis, 1995).
Scheff (2003) has argued that shame is ‘the premier social emotion’, since it is a result of a threat to the social bond, and is pervasive in virtually all social interaction. But despite its centrality in everyday life and culture, shame is usually an unspoken emotion (Kaufman, 1989). Expressing shame is frequently viewed as a potential threat to the individual’s public image, as it involves disclosing non-normative experiences. Studying shame from a discursive perspective therefore offers unique insights into several key aspects of social interaction: it reveals how individuals navigate personal and social vulnerability, how they solicit and provide support in face-threatening situations, and how societal norms are negotiated and through discourse.
Our research focuses on explicit expressions of shame in anonymous online advice forums, using the Hebrew verb mitbayesh(et) (‘be ashamed’). It addresses the following questions:
How is shame mobilized in the construction of advice solicitation?
How is shame treated by commentators, that is, potential advice givers?
Previous research suggests that expressions of difficult emotions in forum posts commonly elicit empathetic responses and attempts at emotional validation from other forum users (Sillence, 2013; Smithson et al., 2011). The present study sets to examine how, in the context of Israeli online forums, the cultural norm of ‘dugri’ speech (Katriel, 1986) opens up different options for responding to shame. This direct communication style potentially allows for more confrontational approaches to addressing shame, including challenging its validity, reframing the shame-inducing situation, or encouraging action rather than reflection. Our analysis will examine how these cultural patterns of communication shape the ways in which shame is expressed, addressed, and potentially transformed in online peer-advice interactions.
Data and methodology
To understand advice-seeking and giving patterns in contemporary Hebrew online forums, we examined the Israeli forum portal AskPeople.co.il, an anonymous platform where users seek and provide advice on a variety of topics. The portal features sections such as ‘relationships’, ‘job and career’, and ‘what I’m going through’.
Unlike most research that focuses on specific problem-dedicated forums, our choice to examine general forums stems from our aim to understand broader patterns of shame discourse that are relevant across various life challenges. These general platforms attract a diverse range of participants and topics, allowing us to identify overarching strategies for expressing, addressing, and potentially alleviating shame that transcend specific problem contexts. This approach enables us to discern how shame is negotiated in everyday interactions, providing insights into cultural norms and communication patterns that may be applicable to a wide array of situations where shame emerges as a concern.
Our corpus encompasses 100 posts and 711 comments extracted from AskPeople.co.il, featuring submissions from 2020 to 2023 that include the term ‘ashamed’ (mitbayesh – masculine, or mitbayeshet – feminine, both in present tense/participle form). We created the corpus using the search word mitbayesh (which also provides results with the feminine suffix -et). The search yielded 1570 posts containing this word between January 2020 and December 2023. From these, we selected 100 posts where the emotion is self-attributed by the poster (i.e., he or she is the subject of the verb), and where shame statements appear in the title of the post, thus topicalizing the emotion. We included in our corpus only posts that received at least one comment.
Although AskPeople.co.il predominantly serves as a platform for peer-generated, non-expert advice, a small number of posts receive responses from trained volunteers affiliated with NGOs, who also encourage users to access free support services. Our corpus includes six instances of such expert replies, constituting less than 1% of the total comments; we will analyze one to highlight the differences between expert and non-expert responses.
The theoretical and methodological framework of this study draws on Discursive Psychology (DP; Edwards and Potter, 1992), a qualitative approach focusing on how everyday discourse represents mental processes, including emotions, memories, and beliefs. DP aims to uncover the ‘rhetorical affordances’ woven into these representations and explores how they facilitate communicative actions, such as justification, complaint, apology, and the establishment of identity and power relations (Edwards, 1999).
We conducted a qualitative analysis of all comments, with particular attention to those addressing the shame articulated in the original posts. Our focus was twofold, examining both the linguistic practices and the discursive actions they help to accomplish in the comments. Specifically, we examined how commenters validated or challenged the emotional states expressed by the original posters through various discursive strategies used to offer advice and support to individuals sharing experiences of shame and its causes.
Analysis
Advice-seeking involving shame
Advice-seeking posts on the platform average 130 words, with many being even shorter. Typically, these posts start with a brief greeting, followed by a description of the situation, and conclude with a solicitation of advice. Direct requests, such as ‘What should I do?’, appear in 56% of the posts, while 30% conclude with specific questions about the shame-inducing situation. In 25% of the posts, writers explicitly mention shame as their motivation for seeking help, asking questions like ‘Is this normal?’ ‘Should I be ashamed?’, or ‘How can I stop being ashamed?’
We identified two types of structures in which the verb mitbayesh(et) is used: (1) followed by the preposition b- ‘in/of’ – it indicates the source of the shame-inducing situation (e.g., being ashamed of bodily phenomenon or economic status); (2) followed by the preposition l- ‘to’ 1 – it indicates specific actions hindered due to shame, such as dancing at parties or asking someone out. The two types can be intertwined; specifically, in cases of type (1), where the issue is perceived to violate social norms or standards, the experience of shame often becomes an additional problem arising from the main concern (type 2), as in example (1):
1. Post 36: 2
So hi, as I wrote I’m ashamed of my body
I lost 50 kg and my body changed
I’m ashamed to put on a swimsuit and also to get undressed in front of partners
I have serious cellulite and stretch marks all over my body
And also pimples on my bottom and back
With the stretch marks I don’t have a problem but no matter what I tried I can’t make the cellulite and pimples go away
I’m helpless I’d appreciate (lit. ‘be happy (with)’) any advice
This post illustrates a typical case where the shame-inducing circumstances are treated as the more urgent problem. In this instance, the bodily phenomena that the writer is attempting to change become the focal point of her advice request. She indicates a sense of helplessness by stating, ‘I can’t make the cellulite and pimples go away I’m helpless I’d appreciate any advice’. Shame appears twice in the post: first in the title, which conveys pain and urgency to find a solution, as in ‘I am really ashamed of my body, what to do?’ and then as a result of her physical condition, which manifests in her avoidance of wearing a swimsuit and undressing in front of romantic partners – two normative actions that the poster feels unable to fulfill.
This post demonstrates the sense of urgency and directness that is common in our advice-seeking data, highlighting the posters’ desire to act and resolve their problems. At the same time, it shows that the advice-seekers not only acknowledge their emotional experiences but also perceive these emotions as an additional challenge they have to confront. This dual recognition manifests in the act of seeking advice, eliciting responses that address the practical situation, the emotional experience, or both aspects simultaneously.
Response patterns
Peer response patterns
Out of 711 comments in our corpus, 705 were written by anonymous users and 6 by trained NGOs volunteers. Peer responses tend to be brief, averaging 57 words, indicating a direct and pragmatic tone in providing support. The actions performed in the comments can be divided into three categories of response, which are not mutually exclusive: (1) practical advice, (2) reframing strategies, and (3) meta-discourse about shame.
Practical advice
In our collection, 58% of the comments address the shame-inducing situation by offering a practical solution to the described problem. 25% of all comments do that without engaging with the poster’s emotional state at all, shifting the discourse from emotional reflection to action-oriented problem-solving. This might indicate that the framing of the issue as shame-worthy is either considered justified or irrelevant by the commenter.
Many of these responses are brief and direct, using imperative forms. According to Couper-Kuhlen and Thompson (2022: 189) imperatives are ‘the deontically strongest advice-giving format [. . .] With such a format the advice-giver assumes a stance of high entitlement, i.e., unmitigated authority, to tell the other what to do, with no hint of doubt about this being the right course of action’. The following are illustrations of advice formulated as an imperative:
2. (Comment 39J; to someone ashamed of her pigmented skin:)
Do laser
3. (Comment 49H; to someone ashamed of not finding himself in Israel after years of living abroad:)
Finish [your degree] and fly. What’s there to think about at all? Suffer until the end of the year. And then fly and that’s it!
In the examples above, the advice is given in the imperative form without any hedges or accounts. Example (3) is particularly dismissive, with the writer adding the rhetorical question, ‘What’s there to think about?’ implying that the poster is overcomplicating a simple issue. The phrase ‘and that’s it’ emphasizes the idea that there is a clear and definite solution, reinforced by the exclamation mark. This directness, without professional or other authority, might be considered insulting or dismissive.
Notably, this style diverges from patterns observed in other languages’ online peer advice forums, where discursive actions such as disclaimers, apologies, shared experiences, and validation of the poster’s emotional experience are common (e.g., Lundström, 2018; Morrow, 2006; Sillence, 2013).
Reframing strategies
57% of the comments address the poster’s distress by reframing their problem, employing various strategies to alter the perception of the shame-inducing situation or encourage disregarding external opinions. These reframing approaches address two dominant aspects of shame: normative transgression and the impact of others’ gaze (cf. Lewis, 1995).
The comments often challenge the legitimacy or relevance of the expressed shame, implying that this emotion doesn’t align with the ‘feeling rules’ – the social norms and expectations governing how individuals should feel in particular situations (Hochschild, 1979). At the same time, these reframing strategies serve as preferred, pro-social actions of encouragement and face-saving, similar to responses to other forms of self-deprecation (Pomerantz, 1984).
Reframing strategies include the following operations, each employing different discursive techniques to mitigate the experience of shame:
1. Normalization
Normalization emerges as a prominent discursive strategy in responses to expressions of shame within Hebrew online forums. These comments employ various linguistic devices to construct the shame-inducing situation as common and widespread, thereby challenging its status as a legitimate source of shame. On one hand, this approach offers support and decreases the sense of stigma (Heritage and Lindstrom, 1998); on the other hand, it involves a face-threatening act by implying that the poster’s emotional reaction may be inappropriate.
4. (Comment 14I; to someone ashamed of losing his job:)
When it comes to job you’re not the only one. It’s a national pandemic [. . .]
5. (Comment 40H; to someone ashamed of her pigmentated skin:)
[. . .] We all have darker areas in our body [. . .]
As the examples above demonstrate, commentators frequently deploy extreme case formulations (Pomerantz, 1986), such as ‘national pandemic’ and ‘we all’, which contribute to the decisive, unhedged tone of the responses. This linguistic strategy not only emphasizes the commonality of the experience, but also strengthens the normalization claim by presenting the issue as ubiquitous. For instance, in example (4) the commenter explicitly states that the poster is not alone in their experience, potentially reducing feelings of personal inadequacy or failure.
Concurrently, these responses invoke what Potter (1996) terms ‘category entitlement’ – a discursive strategy where individuals claim the right to speak authoritatively on a topic by virtue of belonging to a relevant category. By positioning themselves as members of the affected group, commentators assert their entitlement to judge the severity of the situation. This move serves multiple purposes: it establishes the commentators’ authority to speak on the matter, claims a shared experience with the poster, and lends credibility to their assertions without requiring explicit statements of expertise. However, these comments also risk oversimplifying individual experiences and dismissing the unique aspects of the poster’s situation that may be causing their shame.
2. Minimization
Minimization is another prevalent discursive strategy in responses to expressions of shame. These responses downplay the significance of the shame-inducing situation. This approach aligns with Benoit’s (1995) image restoration strategy of minimization: it involves attempts to reduce the perceived severity of a negative act or situation, which in this context is applied to the shame-inducing circumstances described by the original poster.
6. (Comment 28M; to someone ashamed of not having any work experience:)
[. . .] Hahaha who cares [lit. ‘who will hear’] it’s just [lit. ‘all of it’] CV
7. (Comment 34H; to a young man ashamed of not having his own room when hosting a friend:)
[. . .] Sleep in the living room what’s the big deal
In (6) the use of laughter frames the situation as non-serious, and together with the slang terms ‘who will hear’ and ‘all of it’ the comment expresses a dismissive tone regarding the problem described by the poster. Similarly, ‘what’s the big deal’ in (7) reduces the perceived magnitude of the issue, after suggesting a brief advice in imperative form. This strategy aims at offering a more positive version of the poster’s reality, but at the same time dismisses their concerns and ignoring the emotional pain, which can be perceived as insulting (Culpeper, 1996). Moreover, from a cognitive-behavioral therapeutic perspective, validating emotions is more effective than challenging their legitimacy, as invalidation may exacerbate the poster’s distress (Leahy, 2002).
3. Re-perspectivizing the situation as positive
Similar to normalization and minimization strategies, positive re-perspectivizing involves a rejection of the severity of the poster’s account, undermining the relevance of their expressed feelings. However, this strategy accomplishes this by providing an opposite stance regarding the situation, framing it not merely as neutral, but as explicitly positive.
8. (Comment 26J; to someone ashamed of his body hair:)
Hair on men is beautiful [. . .]
9. (Comment 8L; to someone ashamed of being bisexual:)
[. . .] Being different is not a reason for embarrassment, but for specialness and uniqueness
In example (8), the commenter directly counters the poster’s implicit stance that body hair is unattractive by asserting its beauty. Similarly, in (9), bisexual orientation is reframed from a source of embarrassment to a marker of uniqueness.
As observed in the other strategies, these comments employ a direct style of opposite claims, presented without hedging or establishment of the commentators’ authority. This approach manifests ‘stake inoculation’ (Potter, 1996) – a discursive strategy where speakers construct their accounts in ways that resist being undermined as interested or biased. In these cases, the commentators present their re-perspectivizations as factual rather than subjective opinions, potentially strengthening their persuasive power.
These responses contribute to the positive face of the posters by associating them with desirable attributes. However, this positive reframing simultaneously fails to validate the posters’ expressed emotional pain or acknowledge their perspective. As such, while attempting to be supportive, these responses risk performing face-threatening acts by imposing an opposite interpretation of their situation.
4. Dismissing the relevance of external judgment
This strategy targets the core of shame itself – the perceived judgment of others (Lewis, 1995). These responses attempt to alleviate shame by invalidating this premise, often through blunt language.
10. (Comment 65H; to someone ashamed of her bellybutton shape:)
[. . .] It’s a pity to needlessly dwell on and get stuck on such small things that don’t matter to anyone except you
11. (Comment 16H; to someone ashamed of her boyfriend)
[. . .] You don’t really interest anyone, your boyfriend doesn’t really interest anyone [. . .]
12. (Comment 79L; to a teenager ashamed of watching anime shows:)
[. . .] If you decide that people telling you ‘Grow up already!’ bothers you, then it will bother you. And if not, then it won’t.
In example (10), the commenter directly challenges the notion that others are judging the poster’s bellybutton shape. It does so by dismissing her distress as a pointless obsession with a small thing that nobody cares about.
Example (11) takes an even more direct approach: By claiming that neither the poster nor her boyfriend interests anyone, the commenter attempts to remove the basis for shame – if there’s no external judgment, there should be no shame. To achieve this, the commentator employs bald on record impoliteness strategies (Culpeper, 1996), delivering his message in a direct, and unambiguous manner, asserting that no one has any interest in the poster and her boyfriend.
Example (12) uses a different strategy, suggesting that the impact of others’ judgments is entirely within the poster’s control. This aligns with what Illouz (2008) describes as neoliberal logic in therapeutic discourse, where individuals are held accountable for their emotional responses to external stimuli. While less insulting, this response still dismisses the legitimacy of shame by framing it as a choice rather than a reasonable emotional response.
While these dismissive strategies aim to liberate posters from shame by negating its foundational idea of external judgment, their harsh tone and invalidating content damage the poster’s face. This highlights the potentially counterproductive nature of such forms of support in online shame discourse, where attempts to alleviate shame by discharging its basis may inadvertently reinforce feelings of social isolation or inadequacy.
Meta-discourse on shame
Many comments in our corpus explicitly address shame, often as a call – more or less direct – to stop feeling this emotion: ‘don’t be ashamed’, ‘you shouldn't be ashamed’, etc. Additionally, some comments explore the nature of shame and the circumstances in which it is relevant, making the emotion itself the focal point of the response, usually contrasting it with the poster’s situation:
13. (Comment 8L; to someone ashamed of being bisexual:)
[. . .] Why should [you] be ashamed? Did you do something bad? Did you hurt someone? [. . .]
14. (Comment 44I; to someone ashamed of having autism:)
When do you need to be ashamed? 1. If you did something morally wrong. 2. If you made a mistake. [. . .]
These comments, often formulated as questions, engage in meta-discourse about shame. These questions serve multiple functions: they have a pedagogical tone, positioning the commenter as an instructor and the poster as a learner of social norms, while also acting as rhetorical devices to undermine the poster’s assumptions. The sequence of questions in (13) is designed to challenge the poster (Koshik, 2003) and question the relevance of the shame she is experiencing, while presenting the scenario in which shame is justified as obvious. In like manner, in (14), self-answering positions the commenter as someone of higher epistemic status (Heritage, 2012) who is educating the poster regarding feeling rules, and therefore implicitly frames the poster as less knowledgeable about basic social norms.
This questioning strategy, combined with direct statements about when shame is appropriate, creates a dual portrayal of the poster: as a decent person undeserving of shame, and as someone potentially uninformed about societal norms regarding shame. Here, too, we encounter the complex nature of the responses to shame expressions as simultaneously face-threatening and providing an optimistic view about the poster’s situation.
Comments endorsing shame
Rare in our corpus (less than 4% of the lay responses), instances of agreement with the claim of shame represent a dispreferred and disaffiliative response in this context. These responses are predominantly observed in situations where the poster exhibits agency and control over a problematic act, which becomes most explicit in cases of moral transgressions affecting others.
15. (Comment 15T; to someone ashamed of her ex finding out that she told a friend that his penis is small:)
Keep being ashamed of yourself. I'm curious to know how many male genitals you’ve seen that you have such a large database for comparison? [. . .]
16. (Comment 9L; to someone who is ashamed of being filmed dancing with a stripper and worried the video might leak:)
You deserve it. Strippers/male strippers are professionals that those who play with them are unfaithful
Both (15) and (16) refer to morally questionable behaviors that were, or might be, revealed. Most of the comments in both cases were supportive of the poster, but these two comments encourage the poster to feel ashamed as some kind of mental punishment. In (15), the call to continue feeling ashamed of herself is followed by a sarcastic remark implying that either the poster is sexually promiscuous or provided information that is not established. In (16), the commentator also approves the mental suffering of the poster and explains that her act indicated her untrustworthiness, which is also a moral defect.
In contrast to the normalization, minimization, and positive reframing strategies observed in other categories, these shame-endorsing comments actively reinforce the poster’s negative self-evaluation. This stands in stark contrast to the face-saving strategies employed in other response categories. At the same time, these comments align with the meta-discourse about shame observed in other categories, particularly where commenters claim that shame is justified when one’s actions hurt other people. This parallel suggests a shared moral framework across different response types, where harm to others is seen as a legitimate cause for shame, as opposed to other circumstances.
A lack of hedging or mitigation is a feature shared across all categories in our data, However, in shame-endorsing comments, this directness is coupled with explicit moral judgment, creating a particularly face-threatening combination. However, the scarcity of these comments in our collection suggests that they are the marked and dispreffered alternative (Pomerantz and Heritage, 2012). We therefore see that despite their face-risking directness, most advice givers maintain pro-social communication, which includes offering practical advice and presenting an optimistic view of the poster’s situation.
Expert response
Having examined various peer-advice strategies in response to expressions of shame, we now turn to expert responses, which present a distinct approach in both form and content. Our corpus includes six comments made by trained volunteers from two NGOs: one from The Aguda – The Association for LGBTQ Equality in Israel, and five from Sahar, an Israeli NGO offering free online mental health support to individuals experiencing emotional distress and suicidal ideation. 3 This analysis will focus on one representative response from Sahar.
Expert responses typically address posts expressing more profound emotional distress, as exemplified by the following:
17. Post 14:
Ashamed of my life
Hi I’m Nathan 27 years old I studied graphics at university for a few years and then started working at an international company
until a few months before COVID they threw me out because they said I wasn’t good enough (after a year of hard physical and mental work) and I sacrificed a lot for the job and it gave me reputation but after being fired I couldn’t find work in graphics and then I became a security guard which I also didn’t last there either because of COVID there wasn’t much work so I switched to being a cashier and currently I’m a cashier and it really makes me ashamed (lit. ‘shames me’).
I’m also married but it turns out that having children will be a problem my wife doesn’t function well hormonally so having children right now won’t be easy at all.
Unlike other people around me who have respectable jobs and children. I actually didn’t go to a friend’s wedding because of this shame
I don’t know what to think anymore P.S. On top of that I’ve gained a lot of weight and I’m ashamed of that too
It’s hard for me
Nathan’s post, titled ‘I am ashamed of my life’, presents multiple sources of shame: professional (job loss, current employment as a cashier), familial (difficulty having children), and physical (weight gain). This aligns with Lewis’s (1995) concept of shame as a global, negative evaluation of the self. Specifically, Nathan’s shame exemplifies this global negative evaluation by spanning multiple life domains, explicitly labeling his entire life situation as shameful, and expressing a comprehensive sense of inadequacy compared to his peers.
The post’s structure follows Kouper’s (2010) identified pattern in online advice-seeking: a problem narrative followed by an implicit request for help. The pervasiveness of shame across multiple life domains underscores the severity of Natan’s emotional distress.
The coda ‘It’s hard for me’ emphasizes the emotional impact of his situation and invites empathy or support, rather than practical advice alone.
The post received the following comment from a Sahar volunteer (comment 14M):
Hi Nathan, I read what you wrote and wanted to respond to you. . . I hear in your words how disappointed you are with your employment situation and how unsatisfied you are with your current job. I can imagine how frustrated you must feel given this fact. . .
From what you’ve shared, it is evident that you seem to feel like a big failure in the professional field and maybe feel a bit like you’re not meeting the expectations you set for yourself and those of the society around you. I can imagine how powerless you must feel in this situation. . .
It seems from what you describe that you feel inferior to your environment, which appears to you successful and thriving, and maybe you’re comparing yourself a bit to them. I guess how embarrassed you must feel around them and how much you’d like not to feel this way. . .
You describe many things you’re going through in many areas of life, and I hear in your words how much this troubles you and makes things difficult for you. Have you tried sharing with someone close to you about what you’re feeling and going through? I assume it could ease a bit what you’re feeling. Don’t be alone with these feelings. . .
Additionally, I want to tell you that I volunteer at Sahar – Online Emotional Support. If you need it, I invite you to have an anonymous and personal conversation in our chat. Our volunteers will listen and be with you and whatever you choose to bring. . .
We’re waiting for you,
Yours,
a Sahar volunteer
This expert response employs several distinctive linguistic and rhetorical strategies that set it apart from peer advice:
In contrast to the peer advice strategies discussed earlier, the expert response notably avoids direct challenges to the poster’s perspective or emotions. Instead, it focuses on validating and exploring these feelings, demonstrating empathy, and encouraging further communication as a therapeutic tool, which aligns with the core principles of supportive psychotherapy.
The expert’s use of hedging and subjective framing (e.g., ‘I imagine’, ‘It seems’) stands in stark contrast to the more direct, often unhedged style of peer advice. This difference highlights the distinct communicative goals of expert responses: to provide a safe space for emotional exploration rather than to offer immediate solutions or moral judgments. Furthermore, unlike peer responses that often potentially threaten the poster’s face in attempts to alleviate shame, the expert response carefully maintains the poster’s positive face while avoiding impositions on negative face.
In conclusion, the expert response demonstrates a highly specialized form of supportive communication. This approach aligns with professional counseling practices and stands in contrast to the more direct, solution-oriented strategies observed in peer advice. The expert response prioritizes emotional validation and exploration over immediate problem-solving, adhering to classic psychotherapeutic principles, which, as Illouz (2008) argues, reflect and reinforce Western neoliberal ideas of self-realization and emotional self-management. This therapeutic discourse promotes the notion that individuals are responsible for their own emotional well-being and personal growth through continuous self-reflection and communication.
Discussion and conclusions
The analysis above provides insight into the complex interplay between expressed shame, cultural norms, and online discourse in Israeli peer-advice forums. Our findings reflect a dominant communication ethos in Israeli society, namely the dugri speech. According to Katriel (1986, 2004), dugri speech is the prevailing communication ethos and style of native Israeli society. Characterized by its blunt and concise nature, dugri speech prioritizes actions over words, reflecting the courage to express one’s truth even in the face of potential social consequences. This style involves a deliberate suspension of face concerns, allowing for the free expression of the speaker’s thoughts, opinions, or preferences, even if they might threaten the addressee’s face. Such directness is positively valued as authentic and loyal to the true self. According to Katriel, the dugri style embodies a rejection of the effeminate and spiritualized diaspora Jew, instead embracing principles of equality and collectivism.
This communication pattern extends into therapeutic contexts, as Kaneh-Shalit (2017, 2022) demonstrates in her studies of Israeli life coaching training programs. She identifies a unique care discourse deployed in coach-client interactions, which she terms ‘dugri empathy’. This approach to care emphasizes ‘doing over talking’ and prioritizes the caregiver’s truthfulness over the receiver’s feelings. Caregivers demonstrate their concern by focusing on their own assessments of another’s actions and may confront the recipient with uncomfortable truths to prevent future misfortunes. Dugri empathy involves becoming aware of others’ emotions while sometimes painfully arguing against the interlocutor’s subjective experience. In contrast to therapeutic settings that prioritize recognizing the subject’s experience, dugri empathy often challenges those emotions to encourage individuals to take positive action.
Our analysis reveals how these cultural patterns manifest in online peer support interactions. The prevalence of dugri empathy is particularly evident in peer responses, where directness and pragmatism often lead to challenging the legitimacy of the poster’s emotional experience. This stands in marked contrast to the more conventionally supportive approach of trained volunteers, which aligns more closely with Western therapeutic practices.
The expression of shame in these forums serves distinctive interactional functions. Beyond indicating negative emotional states, shame expressions emerge as problems to be solved, amplifying the urgency to address both the primary issue and the shame itself. Posters strategically deploy shame statements to position themselves as vulnerable actors seeking help, while responses attempt to reframe these experiences through cultural lenses of action and direct confrontation. This dynamic reveals how shame discourse becomes a site for negotiating both personal distress and cultural values about emotional expression.
Online forums serve as platforms where cultural norms and personal experiences converge, influencing emotional exchanges in unique ways. The dugri empathy approach, a culturally specific form of emotional communication, attempts to shift the poster’s emotional state through direct confrontation and reframing. This distinctive communication style reflects and reinforces cultural values, offering a particular strategy for addressing emotional distress in digital spaces that differs markedly from approaches observed in other cultural contexts.
Future research could explore how these dynamics manifest across different emotional concepts and cultural contexts. Cross-cultural comparisons could provide insight into how societies navigate the tension between traditional communication norms and evolving understandings of emotional support online. Additionally, investigating the long-term effects of these culturally specific support styles versus more universalized approaches could inform the development of effective, culturally sensitive online support strategies.
Footnotes
Declaration of conflicting interests
The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
Funding
The author(s) received no financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.
