Abstract
Many female “groupies” of professional athletes pose a direct threat to the sport marriage, so players’ wives attempt to deal with groupies in numerous public situations. The self-management strategies they rely on include emotion work and boundary work.
In my new book, The Sport Marriage: Women Who Make It Work, I detail the extreme levels of stress that wives of male professional athletes negotiate, and the unwritten “book of rules” that influences the women’s behavior in the heteronormative sport marriage. A woman becomes aware of the unwritten rulebook as she is socialized into the role of player’s wife and, depending on the level of her investment in her husband’s career and her marriage, she goes to great lengths to try to follow it. A key “chapter” in the unwritten rulebook is how to respond to female groupies in public life. (I use the term groupies not to negatively label individuals but because the wives routinely used it to refer to specific types of fans.)
My longitudinal qualitative research exposed a more pervasive world of sport groupies than has been previously identified. Young female groupies are the most visible groupie type and reflect prevailing stereotypes. However, the wives in my studies also revealed the existence of several male and “invisible” groupie types. Socially invisible female groupies are not easily identified, sometimes not even to insiders; these include grandma groupies, wife groupies, organizational groupies, and team groupies.
Many female groupies pose a direct threat to the sport marriage, so players’ wives attempt to deal with them in numerous public situations. The self-management strategies they rely on include emotion work and boundary work. Their boundary work encompasses various interactive strategies to exclude sexually assertive female groupies from marital interactions and discourage them from approaching or interacting with their husbands. Unfortunately, two factors unique to the husbands’ high-profile occupation impede the wives’ effective boundary work and highlight the patriarchal gender relations inherent in these marriages.
Most of the women in the author’s studies strongly believed that the existence of female groupies would not be so pervasive if the players did not condone their presence, encourage their sexual advances, or create a demand for them.
Ramiro Pianarosa, Unsplash
First, a player’s wife voluntarily imposes limits on her own behavior when responding to improper advances from female groupies. Unwritten rules, for example, dictate that a player’s wife should not create a scene with a female groupie in a public situation because it reveals her inability to manage her emotions and makes her appear to be jealous, possessive, or mean spirited. If an altercation captures the attention of the media outlets, it can make her, her husband, and his team “look bad.” Consequently, players’ wives will use emotion work to suppress “inappropriate” emotions and express only those they decide are appropriate to the situation, then wait for a better time and place to privately express frustration or anger to their husbands. However, finding the right time and place to talk with their husbands about their feelings is rare because of other unwritten rules, such as those meant to protect a husband’s emotional and mental state so he can focus on his game. A player’s wife usually follows these rules until she reaches a breaking point.
Second, a player’s wife learns that she should not admonish or chastise her husband in public life if he fails to discourage a female groupie’s advances toward him. Expressions of patriarchal power are abundant in the sport marriage, and much of it is expressed through the husband’s passivity. Given that fans regard players as ruggedly masculine and expect them to take charge during a game, this passivity in their marriages is worth noting. Female flattery contributes to a player’s public image, his teammates’ approval, and thus his self-esteem. So even if they are in a committed relationship, players habitually do not confront or discourage even the most ardent sexual advances from female groupies. Most players are friendly and easygoing in public situations involving fans and most groupies, but female groupies can misinterpret their affability or respectful manner as encouraging potential intimacy. A wife might want to believe that because her husband is a genuinely “nice guy,” she should give him the benefit of the doubt. This can complicate her emotional response because she lives with an underlying fear that he could give in to temptation under the right circumstances.
Sometimes, a husband might express his devotion to his wife to discourage female groupie attention, such as holding his wife’s hand, drawing her toward him, putting an arm around her waist, whispering in her ear, or maintaining eye contact only with her.
Derek Story, Unsplash
Young female groupies are the most visible groupie type and reflect prevailing stereotypes.
Most of the women in my studies strongly believed that the existence of female groupies would not be so pervasive if the players did not condone their presence, encourage their sexual advances, or create a demand for them. Their husbands, however, were often defensive about their inability to limit their interactions with groupies. A husband may offer various reasons for not discouraging their interest, such as saying that a woman only wanted to compliment him, ask for his autograph, or take a selfie with him, and he did not want to be rude or hurt her feelings. He may say that he did not believe that a particular woman was really a groupie, or that female groupies are relatively harmless and dealing with them is part of the job.
The wives also believed that groupie interest in their husbands would be minimized or negated if only their husbands would discourage it by taking the initiative. They thought that their husbands could politely enforce self-protective boundaries of appropriate interactions with and maintain social distance from these women. They assumed that if a husband is serious about discouraging a groupie’s forward behavior, he would introduce his wife after greeting the other woman, reference his wife in the conversation, and avoid any form of passivity. These ingredients of boundary work can serve two purposes: the player clearly communicates his unavailability, and it can strengthen the marriage if he informs his wife about advances by female groupies when she is not present.
Sometimes, a husband might express his devotion to his wife to discourage female groupie attention, such as holding his wife’s hand, drawing her toward him, putting an arm around her waist, whispering in her ear, or maintaining eye contact only with her. Through these and other actions, he takes an active part in discouraging their interest by affirming that his wife is his chosen partner and indicating how female groupies should interact with him. Actions like these can reassure a wife, but in reality the husband’s boundary work is not typically successful in discouraging persistent female groupies. Most female groupies will pointedly ignore his attempts to discourage their interest in him because they know full well that most players’ wives will not publicly confront them.
Regrettably, a husband may participate in boundary work, but he rarely initiates it. His inability to develop satisfactory avoidance strategies and self-protective boundaries or dismiss a female groupie’s incessant advances can anger a wife. When she believes that she must take the initiative in dealing with female groupies in public life, as a way of pressuring her husband to show her the respect she feels entitled to, she can end up feeling humiliated on top of her worries about what his actions might mean about their marriage. The husband’s tendency to lead female groupies on, intentionally or not, is deeply upsetting for a wife, especially if she already has doubts about his faithfulness.
The topic of groupies, particularly female groupies, is a sensitive issue among these couples and generally in professional sports, especially when it involves any possibility of infidelity or a sex scandal.
Stephane Coudassot-Berducou, Unsplash
The gendered boundaries of “appropriate” behavior and the unwritten rules for players’ wives make public displays of anger out of bounds, but emotional stoicism in the face of threats is not always possible for a wife, and sometimes she may lose her cool. As sociologist Michael Messner observed, the extreme pressures for players to abide by traditional masculine norms means that teammates propagate a shared expectation that a husband should be able to control his wife; he may be judged for not being “man enough” if he fails to respond to his wife’s outburst. To save face, he may chastise her publicly
The topic of groupies, particularly female groupies, is a sensitive issue among these couples and generally in professional sports, especially when it involves any possibility of infidelity or a sex scandal. Many wives are reluctant to admit to others, or even to themselves, that female groupies annoy them, or that they have difficulty dealing with women who have designs on their husbands. They may even feel guilty if they complain about female groupies, or they may reproach themselves for their inability to cope with this aspect of their husband’s career. Therefore, even though the existence of female groupies is common knowledge, most wives avoid any mention of it to other wives on the team and avoid seeking support from others, which can further isolate them and adversely affect the marriage.
Players’ wives normalize their husbands’ passive response to the sexual overtures of other women because they want to avoid damaging their husbands’ public image. In so doing, they unwittingly perpetuate a rivalry that pits women (i.e., wives) against women (i.e., female groupies). This rivalry benefits men by boosting their self-esteem, their standing among teammates, and their susceptibility to infidelity. Herein lies a dichotomy for the wives: they are deeply committed to their husbands’ career success and benefit from it, but they must accept a subordinate role in the marriage and learn to cope with the occupational realities that come with such a commitment.