This article reports on findings from a participatory research study that aimed to ask gay men about the things they valued in relation to sex, in order to better frame HIV prevention efforts around pleasure rather than risk. Participants responded by insisting that they could not discuss their sexual behaviours without also discussing relationships, intimacy, love and romance. However, in the context of heteronormative ideals for relationships, they frequently became conflicted about the nature of their own desires and how best to satisfy them. The article attempts to use contemporary sociological theories of love and sex to interpret some of these discursive conflicts. It concludes by arguing for a radical acceptance of the diversity of gay relationships, rather than conformity to heteronormative models.
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