“Now That I am Slowly Rebuilding Myself,I am Really Scared to See Who I Really am”: Negotiating Respectable Sexualities by Men Who Have Experienced Sexual Violence as Children

Abstract

In this article, we explore how men who have experienced sexual violence as children negotiate respectable sexualities by navigating the norms of hegemonic masculinity in Finland. We used the membership categorisation method to analyse the data, which consisted of five interviews and one written story. We argue that men process the experienced sexual trauma while also re-building their sexualities. Our findings show that male survivors negotiate their sexual respectability through non-disclosure and by emphasising their heterosexuality. Simultaneously, male survivors may question their sexual orientation through cycles of shame and trauma repetition. More research on the sexualities and vulnerabilities of male survivors of childhood sexual violence is needed. We recommend developing gender-specific outreach programs and raising awareness on men’s perspectives.

Keywords

childhood sexual violence men sexuality hegemonic masculinity respectability

In this article, our focus is to examine the various ways through which men who have experienced CHSV (Childhood Sexual Violence) negotiate their respectable male sexualities by navigating the norms of hegemonic masculinity in Finland.

We understand that men must claim and negotiate their value and respectability by navigating their way around gendered, sexualized, classed, and racialized expectations (see also Skeggs, 1997) that are rooted in the ideology of hegemonic masculinity (see Connell, 2005). Men can easily be judged by how well they perform these gendered and sexualized expectations. We argue that men who have experienced CHSV may feel that their masculinity is questioned, and this can heighten their need to be perceived as respectable regarding their sexuality. For example, men even tend to underreport the experienced CHSV when conforming to these traditional hegemonic masculine norms (Easton, 2020; Easton et al., 2014; Lev-Wiesel & First, 2018; MacIntosh et al., 2016; Sivagurunathan et al., 2019). Furthermore, it was found that normative masculinities can inhibit men in Finland from disclosing and seeking help for CHSV (Raatevaara-Cameron & Louhela, 2024). The help-seeking of men can also be hindered when men perceive other men as dismissing the process (see Addis & Mahalik, 2003).

Experiencing CHSV is strongly associated with having drastic impact on the person’s sexuality (Aaron, 2012). Negative psychological outcomes of CHSV, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, suicidality, substance abuse, isolation and challenging feelings of anger, shame and self-blame evidently affect men’s sexual health (Alaggia & Millington, 2008; Easton et al., 2013, 2019; Lyons & Romano, 2019). Male survivors also often have contradictory perceptions about their sexual identity and orientation, which can have a negative impact on their intimate relationships (Alaggia & Millington, 2008; Easton et al., 2019; O’Leary & Barber, 2008). In addition, men may have unrealistic fears of being or becoming a sexual offender themselves (see Easton et al., 2014; Ferragut et al., 2021). Male survivors may even admit compulsive sexual behavior easier compared to possible sexual dysfunction just to maintain the impression of one’s hegemonic male sexuality and as a way to resist victimhood (see also Gewirtz-Meydan & Opuda, 2022; Sivagurunathan et al., 2019).

An extreme form of resisting male victimhood are so-called male rape myths, which claim that men cannot experience sexual violence or when they do, it only occurs in homosexual relationships or in prisons (see also Eigenberg & Baro, 2003; Javaid, 2017, 2018; Widanaralalage et al., 2022). Men as victims of rape also face unique challenges within the service providers’ and criminal justice system regarding recognition, belief, as well as receiving help (see Hine et al., 2021; Widanaralalage et al., 2023). This can make sexual violence experienced by men even more hidden and invisible, even for the survivors themselves. For example, in Carlisle and Schmitz’s (2022) study on men’s experiences of sexual violence (SV) as college students the participants described their experiences regarding SV in similar ways as women, however, they struggled to frame their experiences as sexual violence. The researchers suggest that masculinity is acting as a buffer which allows men to understand what happened to them but inhibits them to discuss the matter with others. Thus, men may have difficulty identifying as both men and victims of SV at the same time (Carlisle & Schmitz, 2022). Male sexual victimization can indeed be considered stigmatizing as it positions men as weak and vulnerable (see Easton et al., 2014, 2019; Malinen et al., 2023; Ralston, 2020; Walfield et al., 2024).

In Finland, boys and young men have started to renegotiate their masculinities with new and softer discursive strategies (see Aho & Peltola, 2023), but the traditional gendered and heteronormative expectations can still be considered as strong towards men (see Kekkonen et al., 2020; Markkola et al., 2014). Similar contradictions were found in another Nordic research. In a study by Ólafsdóttir and Kjaran (2019), Icelandic boys were expected to be masculine by initiating sex and being confident in sexual settings, yet simultaneously they were expected to be “gentle” and failing to fulfil the role of a “real man” would possibly leave boys in a very vulnerable position.

These gendered masculinity expectations typically insist on norms such as respectability, invulnerability, resilience and sexual independence (Widanaralalage et al., 2022), and do not leave much space for male vulnerability. Therefore, our main objective is to research how the norms of the hegemony of masculinity combined with an experience of CHSV affect the negotiation of sexual respectability for men in Finland. We utilize membership categorization analysis (MCA) when focusing on the participants’ accounts on navigating and negotiating their respectable sexualities through their relationships, identities, sexual competency, or sexual orientation. We aim to generate new knowledge to the existing literature on male sexual victimhood, respectable sexuality and hegemonic masculinity in a Finnish context. The following section introduces our theoretical framework on respectable sexualities within hegemonic masculinities.

Theoretical Framework

We explore respectable sexualities within the theoretical framework of hegemonic masculinity (see Connell, 2005) which focuses on gender as a social structure (Messerschmidt & Messner, 2018). Gender itself is understood as a transportable identity (see Jokinen et al., 2012). Masculinity, however, is viewed through the work of Connell as something that men (and others) actively participate in; hegemonic masculinity can also be interpreted as representing the culturally accepted masculinity and a dominating and dynamic Man as the norm (Jokinen, 2019; Manninen, 2012). For example, hegemonic masculinity insists compulsory heterosexuality, performing aggressive macho behavior, initiating sexual acts, seeking multiple sexual partners, and displaying hypersexual and phallocentric behaviors including constant readiness for sexual intercourse (Allen, 2007; Gewirtz-Meydan & Opuda, 2022; Hyde et al., 2009; Plummer, 2005; Zilbergeld, 1999).

In addition, the sexualities of men are affected by societal norms and as heterosexuality is considered normal in the Western world, the discourse around sexualities may be lacking in diversity (Plummer, 2005). Compulsory heterosexuality (see Rich, 2003) is based on an outdated view on gender as a binary where sex is seen only as between a man and a woman and homophobia, in turn, is understood as maintaining and producing heteronormativity (see also Berndtsson, 2022).

In an analysis of young masculinities, Richardson (2010) found that heterosexual masculinity is constructed by performing for other young men, as they must desire to have heterosex in order to not be seen as not having sex, which would mean that there is something ‘wrong’ with them. Furthermore, Richardson (2010) argues that these practises of heterosex are “a source of power and tap into shared collective understandings of what it means ‘to be a man’ in this social location, that men are compelled to engage in specific types of heterosexual practises”. However, it is good to consider that male sexuality can change and develop over the course of life into softer values. e.g., in Sandberg’s (2013) study, men in adolescence and midlife narrate their sexualities by focusing especially on intercourse, when older men focus more on touch and sensuality. Sandberg (2013) suggests that this kind of older men’s intimacy can be viewed as a part of a discourse of respectable heterosexuality shaping their aging bodies as sexual in more current and appropriate ways.

It is necessary to emphasize that all men do not benefit from hegemonic masculinity in the same way. e.g., Messerschmidt and Messner (2018, p. 51) describe hegemonic masculinities as “masculinities that are constructed locally, regionally and globally that legitimate an unequal relationship between men and women, masculinity and femininity and among masculinities”. We use the theory of hegemonic masculinity on a national level (see Messerschmidt & Messner, 2018), as the context of the research is Finland, and all participants are Finnish men. The normative Finnish masculinity image is described by Kekkonen and colleagues (2020) as follows: men are supposed to endure life as well as physical and mental pain without needing others; violence is described as an intrinsic part of being a man. In the Finnish language the meaning of the words “a Finnish man” (suomalainen mies) are known to everyone; it includes attributes that are positive, such as being honest and hard-working, but also negative, such as being sulky and violent, especially when alcohol has been consumed (Markkola et al., 2014).

Next, we introduce our methodological and ethical choices when examining the various ways through which men who have experienced CHSV negotiate their respectable male sexualities by navigating within the Finnish norms of hegemonic masculinity.

Methodology

Recruitment and Participants

We utilized nonprobability convenience sampling due to the sensitive topic of the research. The criteria for participation were a) identifying oneself as a man, b) having experienced CHSV, and c) being over the age of sixteen. The recruitment process entailed contacting several support organizations in Finland and asking them to share the interview call on their websites as well as their social media platforms. Additionally, the call was shared on the University of Oulu website and on different social media accounts. All data were collected between 2022–2023 by the first author.

As the number of participants was low, the option to participate via an anonymous online form was added to the research design: the participants could answer the interview questions anonymously through an online questionnaire which added one written story to the data set. Also, one interview was conducted back in 2020 as a part of the first author’s master's thesis (see Raatevaara, 2021).

The total number of participants was six. All participants had experienced male-perpetrated sexual violence between the ages of five and fifteen. The average age when assaulted was eleven. Two participants had experienced CHSV multiple times perpetrated by the same person, a family member in both cases. One participant experienced CHSV by a family member once. Three participants were assaulted by strangers once. At the time of the interviews, the age range of the participants was estimated to be 30–70.

Materials and Procedures

Regarding research ethics, the research was approved by The Ethics Committee of Human Sciences of University of Oulu. Additionally, informed consent was obtained from all interviewed participants. All participants received the a) interview questions, b) information leaflet, as well as c) the GDPR leaflet before the interview date was set. This allowed enough time for the participants to make an informed decision about participating. The participants were also informed beforehand that they could decide not to participate at any point of the interview.

All interviews were conducted by the first author. One interview was conducted face-to-face, the other four were conducted either via Teams (3) or over the phone (1). As mentioned before, one written story was acquired. The interviews lasted between 30 minutes and 1.5 hours. The written story was 12 pages long in Microsoft Word.

Research ethics were carefully considered throughout the research process. In the interview situations, the first author would seek continued consent from the participants (see also Kaukko et al., 2019; Renold et al., 2008). The participants were also encouraged to take a break if needed and reassured that they were not obligated to answer questions if they did not want to.

The method of data collecting in this research was the semi-structured interview. This was a useful method regarding the sensitive topics of discussion as the hardships of navigating life after experiencing trauma from CHSV within the norms of hegemonic masculinity were discussed. Also, reaching intricate detailed accounts, such as explanations or exact descriptions is possible via interview, as well as having the freedom of exploring unplanned topics that may arise spontaneously (Galletta, 2012; Metsämuuronen et al., 2011). In this research, such spontaneous exploration was possible, as the interviewees brought up topics that the interview questions did not include. Furthermore, all interviews started by requesting the interviewee to tell their own life story in their own words, in as much detail as they felt comfortable with. Through enquiring about the life story, the interviewee could choose the level of detail in their descriptions, as the experience(s) of CHSV can be difficult to share with others. This also allowed the researcher to ask questions related to their life stories that would not have come up otherwise (see also Edwards & Holland, 2023; Galletta, 2012).

All participants were interviewed once. Additionally, written data were collected once. The interviews were recorded by a digital voice recorder, after which the recordings were immediately transferred to the private hard drive of the first author, transcribed, after which the original files were deleted. While transcribing, all identifiable data were removed from the interviews, and the interviewees were given pseudonyms. The same procedure was done with the written story received. All interviews were conducted in Finnish. The received story was also written in Finnish. The first author translated the citations from Finnish to English.

Analysis

In the data analysis, we utilized membership categorization analysis (MCA) which is generally used to explore the ways that people describe themselves to each other as well as different things in everyday life (Jokinen et al., 2012; Sacks, 1985). Categorization systems are essential for structuring how we understand and perceive the world (Billig, 1996; Bowker & Star, 2000). According to Sacks, valuable knowledge regarding human lives are stored in categories, which are shared and generally known (Jokinen et al., 2012; Sacks, 1985). These descriptions about oneself and the world are often called ‘accounts’ (see Heritage, 1988; Sacks, 1985).

Additionally, MCA guides us to think that our identities are built in relation to others (see Sacks, 1985). However, experiencing trauma such as CHSV can deeply affect these identities and the accounts of trust on which they are based. Therefore, the accounts that the participants gave us are of importance, and we acknowledge that these explanations and descriptions are significant in tracking the ways of producing respectable sexualities. In our analysis, we focused on the participants’ accounts on navigating and negotiating their respectable sexualities through discussing their relationships, identities, sexual competency, or sexual orientation. The analysis proceeded by reading the transcribed interviews and the written story, after which initial analytical categories and analysis were formed by the first author. After this, both authors collaborated on the data analysis by re-reading the transcriptions multiple times until the final categorization and final analysis was achieved.

Regarding the credibility and validity of the article, the participants were given the opportunity to read and comment the article prior to publishing which ensured transparency, as the data itself is sensitive and cannot be shared with others. We sent all participants summaries of the manuscripts in Finnish, as we recognized that not all participants would necessarily be able to understand the original manuscripts in English. One participant was not reached as their contact information had changed. Out of six participants, three participants responded, and their feedback was interpreted positively. The remaining participants stated that they would be happy to read the manuscripts, however, they did not respond with any comments. The findings are presented in the following section.

Findings

Negotiation on Respectable Male Sexualities

The men in this research negotiated their respectable male sexualities by navigating the norms of hegemonic masculinity through various means. There were similarities in the participants’ experiences, especially regarding the silence around their CHSV experiences. For example, all participants went decades without telling anyone about their experiences, apart from one, who did disclose as a child to his parents. He was not, however, believed nor heard, and the experience was never discussed again. In addition, almost all participants attempted to achieve the traditional merits that people are indeed expected to reach in Finland such as education, work, family, and financial security. However, achieving them were seemingly not enough, as the experience of CHSV was extremely harmful in all dimensions of life (see Collin-Vézina et al., 2021; Snow et al., 2022).

Furthermore, the participants of this research described their sexual orientations as either a) heterosexual (3), or b) bicurious (2). In one interview the sexual orientation was not disclosed. The men who identified as heterosexual typically answered questions regarding their sexual orientation by using only few words, which is understandable due to the heteronormativity of the Western world, where boys and men may never question or ponder upon their sexual identities. The men who identified as heterosexual did, however, talk about their struggles regarding sexual competence, as well as their concerns regarding relationships. Two interviewed men described themselves as bicurious, and they had explored their sexual identities, desires, as well as their sexual self-images in depth, either alone or with the help of their partner and through psychotherapy.

The interviewed men provided accounts regarding their negotiation on respectable male sexualities through emphasizing their constructing and dismantling hypermasculine respectable (hetero)sexualities, differentiating between respectable and non-respectable sexualities, as well as through the fear of being and/or becoming potentially dangerous. This negotiation/navigation process will be walked through in the following section.

Constructing and Dismantling Respectable Hypermasculine (Hetero)Sexualities

The interviewed men were somewhat aware that the experienced CHSV had an effect on the participants’ views and relations with sex. However, one participant had turned this impact into a positive one, feeling that the effects of the violence had been favorable to him. In line with the norms of hegemonic masculinity, he provided an account of representing himself as a hypersexual, thus respectable, man:

I’ve been told that the abuse can affect a person’s sexual behavior (…), but once someone told me that it doesn’t necessarily affect it negatively, it can affect positively, and that happened with me. I’ll tell you, my ex-wife used to say, “you goddamn horn dog”, yeah, I’ve liked it, I mean lovemaking is damn good, and it’s damn good to be between a woman’s thighs, I’ll be honest with you, if I could choose where I would die, I’d like to die between a woman’s thighs, it’s good to be there. (Jay)

We identified the emphasized heterosexual sexual capability and the reassuring as well as the underlining of sexual capability as mechanisms of building on the respectable sexuality of the Man within the norms of hegemonic masculinity. Concerning producing respectable male sexualities, men can view sexual competence and, for example, their skills on “lovemaking” as the measure of their manhood and some interviewees emphasized being experienced sexually: “I was very popular amongst girls, even as a young boy, so I’ve had girlfriends, and I have a wife and such…. But unfortunately, within the past fifteen years or so, I’ve had affairs in my marriage…” (Cesar).

Men are understood to produce their respectability through (hetero)sexual competence, by providing comprehensive descriptions of their skills or capabilities of sexual intimacy. For example, one interviewee claimed that his wife cheated on him because he made himself “small” and invisible, which can be analyzed as not participating in the hegemony of masculinity, as these attributes are not considered normative nor masculine in the Western world. The actions of someone else are attributed to the personal characteristics of the interviewee, as he takes responsibility for his partner’s cheating:

My wife cheated on me multiple times, but it was because of me, I made myself so small and didn’t pay any attention to myself, and I just agreed with everything she said and made myself invisible, so that drove my wife to seek attention from other men. (Charlie)

On the other hand, the participants of this research also showed their vulnerabilities and concerns regarding relationships. Interestingly, multiple men in this research distanced themselves from hegemonic masculinity: in the interviews they appeared to be extremely aware of the assumption of the hypersexuality of men, and as the interviews progressed, the concerns and fears regarding sexual contact were described. Additionally, most interviewed men would emphasize the hardships and challenges regarding navigating their lives as male survivors of CHSV.

Additionally, having experienced CHSV may leave men with feelings of being profoundly different from others, which can lead to further loneliness. In Finland, speaking about one’s CHSV experiences is extremely difficult for men, because it can be thought of as “unnecessary” to discuss such matters (see Raatevaara-Cameron, 2024). Another interviewee explained that he has had a hard life:

I’m pretty much a hermit. I think it’s because I find that my experiences and overall attitude towards life are so different from everyone else, so I even in company I feel alone. I haven’t had any sexual relations in years, although I feel like I’d like to have some kind of a relationship with a woman. I’m too isolated now, to even attempt to form a relationship, even if I wanted to, I’ve become numb in that sense. My work takes so much of my energy, and therapy, so I can’t do anything but stay at home. (Scott)

We identified that the impact of having experienced CHSV and not being able to tell anyone, and therefore not receiving support and help for the trauma can affect the sexual self-esteem and self-image of survivors of sexual violence. In one of the interviews the interviewee talked about being too scared to discuss his experiences of CHSV with anyone: “I haven’t talked to people, except one friend and now you, because I am scared of people’s reaction, and that they will think that I’m a pervert of some kind” (Cesar).

Staying silent may be the only way to maintain and produce respectable masculinity: talking about the experienced CHSV can leave one feeling extremely vulnerable, which is not a known or normative way of being for a man in Finland. Regarding other fears, multiple participants described various concerns regarding relationships. The participants give different accounts regarding their relationships, as well as their lack thereof: loneliness, lack of energy, or fear of being abusive to others were mentioned in the interviews. Multiple participants described self-isolation as a result of various fears and concerns, especially regarding sexual intimacy and relationships. Loneliness was described by three participants, and some participants stated that loneliness as well as self-isolation may have hindered them from attempting to form relationships with others. One interviewee provided an account regarding his struggle with expressing his feelings:

I started dating someone and was really smitten, but then I couldn’t talk about my feelings at all, or to suggest anything of sexual nature, it was absolutely impossible, and there was this conflict in my mind because I had been talking about my feelings for years in therapy, but then I can’t say to this person that I like them? (Benjamin)

Differentiating Between Respectable and Non-respectable Sexualities

We identified that the interviewees must reconstruct their sexuality decades after the experienced sexual violence, which is a process that will take time. For instance, in “Charlie’s” case, he had noticed that his sexual self-image and sexual orientation was on-going change as a result of dealing with his experiences of CHSV. He was afraid that when reconstructing oneself, he would become something he does not want to become:

Now that I am slowly rebuilding myself, I am really scared to see who I really am, because I feel like I don’t know myself anymore, regarding my past, what I’ve been like… It’s like, have I been living a lie because I am constantly discovering new things, new thoughts, even sexual orientations and others so, it’s a lot. I wonder what else there is, and can it all go to shit, will I lose my mind or turn into a person I don’t want to be…. My self-image is changing, if not changing, at least it’s broken at the moment, I need to rebuild myself and see what I am like and how do I feel and what can I experience. (Charlie)

As with the former interview, this interviewee is understood as having to reconstruct his sexuality as well as his own self-image through a process of healing from the sexual trauma. In the same interview, the matter of the sexual self-image of the interviewee came up, as he had attended psychotherapy as well as talked to a sexologist. Diving deeper into his sexuality was a wonderful experience to “Charlie” as he found that it made him able to explore his bicuriosity, as well as his sexual fantasies together with his wife:

Recently I have noticed that there is some type of bicuriosity there, it’s new, I said to my wife that I would like to have a man, I’d like to see them have sex, and to explore it myself and to see, so it’s like this bicuriosity, I wouldn’t be put off by having a man with us, and have him touch me, it’s an arousing thought. (Charlie)

The confidence regarding feeling sexually attracted towards men is more apparent, and there is no shame around the attraction. This ability to be vulnerable was the result of months, if not years, of exploring, talking, and working through a lifetime of experiences alongside mental health professionals, and a romantic partner. In opening the deepest parts of himself, we read the interviewee through participating in the dismantling of the normative masculinities. Related to this, the interviewed men shared intimate and vulnerable accounts regarding their sexual self-esteems.

However, the interviewee was describing a fantasy or a desire, and it is necessary to separate that from a real-life event. Furthermore, “Cesar” was one of the men who described identifying as bicurious. He had engaged in sexual acts with male strangers, which in his case led to confusion and shame:

I am not interested in men at all, I do not admire them, I do not look at them, but the … act itself was interesting to me at one point, no matter who, just as long as we could do the … thing. I am still very much interested in women, so this has bothered me over the years. (Cesar)

A clear distinction was made by the interviewee between making sure that he was not to be read through his sexual acts; he made it clear that he does not desire, nor does he even like to look at men, however, he simply has wanted to participate in sexual acts with random men in the past. “Cesar” also provided an account on the deep sense of shame and confusion around his sexual desires towards other men and the experience of remorse and shame for having sex with men.

The interviewee has described participating in acts that have left him with anguishing feelings of guilt and/or shame and perhaps also astonishment concerning one’s own actions:

So, regarding human sexuality, if you’re simply looking to get a fast climax, in my life that has been fairly easy to accomplish even as a fully straight guy, but what has made me want to go to the other side to try that a few times…. I have thought that goddamn what is the matter with you, what have you done again? (Cesar)

Experiencing trauma can indeed affect a person’s sexuality in various ways: according to Gewirtz-Meydan and Godbout (2023), compulsive sexual behavior can be understood as repeating the original sexual trauma. Related to this, “Cesar” described having a sexual interest in reaching out to the relative who was the perpetrator of the sexual violence he had experienced as a child, which left him feeling confused once more:

I had heard that the perpetrator was living in the same county as me, and for whatever reason, I wanted to explore that past experience again, so I went to meet him. I remember it well, it was funny, I went to see him, and we talked, and it was a curious feeling when I realised that he was not at all interested in me. I started thinking and realized that he was only interested in little boys…. After that I’ve been wondering about my own behavior, which has been heavy on my mind since that, up until now. (Cesar)

Fear of Being And/or Becoming Potentially Dangerous

In “Charlie’s” case, the fear of losing his wife as a result of her adultery was revealed: the interviewee provided an account where he had been absolutely terrified of his wife leaving him, because prior to meeting his wife, he could not approach women at all. The experienced CHSV left him feeling like he was taking advantage of other people whenever his relationships would move towards sexual intimacy: “It was too hard a place because the stigma of an abuser was too strong, so I felt myself … like I am using another person for my needs, so it was a terrible state, I couldn't do it...”.

This fear was shared with other participants: most participants described some type of fear of abusing others, or the dire need to seek reassurance from others. The fear of becoming or turning into a perpetrator of sexual violence is a common finding in sexual violence research (see Easton et al., 2014; Ferragut et al., 2021). This fear can contribute to the silence around disclosing CHSV: if the man views himself through the lens of being a potential predator, talking about it can be impossible due to the stigma in society. In one of the interviews, the fear of turning into a perpetrator was emphasized, as the interviewee provided an account regarding his fear, which was so significant that it stopped him from having any sexual intimacy:

After the rape happened, when I was 15, I had a girlfriend at the time, but we hadn’t had sex yet, although I knew we were heading that way, and I just left. I walked out the door, I think I muttered something and that happened a couple of times, after which I stopped contacting her and we broke up. (Charlie)

This fear followed the interviewee to his adulthood; he described that prior to meeting his current wife, he could not explore his sexuality with people due to the fear of abusing them, so he would consume pornography instead:

My adulthood was spent watching porn, because I never got anywhere with women, so I watched a lot of porn, before meeting my wife…. It was the only way for me to explore my sexuality, I couldn’t have sex with a real person. (Charlie)

We recognized the fear of being potentially dangerous as having affected the sexuality of “Charlie” in various ways. As a man, watching pornography is generally considered as being socially accepted. Watching pornography can even be understood as a way to confirm membership, or to be respectable, as men are expected to be (hyper)sexual (see Gewirtz-Meydan & Godbout, 2023).

However, his tone in the interview implied that he was not proud of his pornography preferences but would have rather been able to have sex with “real” people. Additionally, while being caught watching pornography by his wife was mortifying to him, the unravelling of the sexual trauma as well as deconstructing and rebuilding his sexual orientation as well as self-esteem resulted from being caught. According to Gewirtz-Meydan and Godbout (2023) the problematic use of pornography may allow survivors to engage in sex without having to develop a trusting relationship with someone.

In our research, the reason for excessive use of pornography was the debilitating fear of abusing others. As a compulsive form of performing sexuality, porn was also used as an unconscious attempt to perhaps relive and solve one’s CHSV experiences. As the content of the porn that “Charlie” was watching was so-called “teen” porn, and he could not understand, nor explain his need to watch it: “…it was teen porn, there was nothing illegal. // I had left my computer open and that's where my browser history, preferences and what I had been up to had been revealed.”

Discussion

In this article, we examined the ways through which men who have experienced CHSV negotiate their respectable male sexualities within the norms of hegemonic masculinity. We focused on the navigation and negotiation of respectable male sexualities through the participants’ accounts of hypermasculine (hetero)sexual competence, concerns over their sexual orientations as well as their fears of being and/or becoming a perpetrator of sexual violence themselves. Three of the interviewed men did provide accounts on their skills regarding sexual intimacy, focusing on either a) having had lots of relationships, b) having a ‘horn-dog’ reputation, or c) being able to give pleasure to women. All these accounts can be interpreted as normative in the hegemony of masculinity, where men are thought to be hyper-sexual, always interested in sex (see Gewirtz-Meydan & Godbout, 2023). However, as the interviews progressed, the accounts were expanded, and the complexities of sexualities came to the surface. Considering the complicated nuances of sexuality, attempting to locate one’s exact sexual identity may generate more problems through the anguish of not quite fitting in any category. The interviewed men described themselves as either heterosexual or bicurious. However, the men who identified as bicurious provided descriptions on their sexual orientations and desires that were on the extreme ends of the spectrum: one was ashamed of some sexual acts he had participated in with other men, and the other one was excited to rediscover his sexuality.

Additionally, the complexities regarding sexual orientations and having experienced CHSV were explored through the cycle of shame and repeating the sexual trauma. Men can find themselves questioning their own sexual orientations, as they can be confused by their own sexual desires (see also Alaggia & Millington, 2008; Easton et al., 2019; O’Leary & Barber, 2008). We argue that by providing honest accounts about nonheteronormative sexual orientations, these men are rejecting the hegemony of masculinity. However, the shame around the desire of having sex with other men could potentially be affected by the heteronormativity of the West. On the other hand, it could stem from having experienced sexual violence perpetrated by a man. Additionally, men who have experienced CHSV must process their sexual trauma, as the effects of sexual violence can manifest in various ways. For example, the fear of becoming or turning into a perpetrator of CHSV is a common finding in sexual violence research (see Easton et al., 2014; Ferragut et al., 2021; Priebe & Svedin, 2008), and it was also prevalent in this research.

The hardships of navigating life as a male survivor of CHSV can make men feel numb, and too isolated to even try to connect with people, as men can feel that they have no agency. The experienced CHSV impacts the lives of men in various negative manifestations, as proven by previous research (see Alaggia & Millington, 2008; Easton et al., 2013, 2019; Lyons & Romano, 2019). The sense of being different, especially when comparing oneself to men who have not experienced CHSV has been identified in previous studies (see Alaggia & Millington, 2008; Guyon et al., 2023; Kia-Keating et al., 2010). This appeared as the interviewed men described their fears and concerns in forming relationships due to loneliness, fears, or the feeling of being too different from others (see also Raatevaara-Cameron, 2024). These feelings of being fundamentally different can also manifest as silence and not disclosing of the experienced CHSV.

The silence around CHSV experienced by men can be understood as a way of maintaining and producing the norms of the hegemony of masculinity (see also Raatevaara-Cameron, 2024). All interviewed men had withheld disclosing their experiences for over a decade, which has been a common finding in previous research (see Easton, 2020; Easton et al., 2014; Lev-Wiesel & First, 2018; MacIntosh et al., 2016; Sivagurunathan et al., 2019). The interviewed men did, however, provide accounts on the difficulties regarding navigating life in Finnish society as a male survivor of sexual violence. Yet, the male survivors were actively resisting and dissolving the norms of hegemonic masculinity in their personal life. In these private settings, interviewees had known that their identities would be kept secret. Therefore, the intimate parts of their sexualities as well as their self-images had been discussed in-depth, and the interviewees had been able to occupy extremely vulnerable spaces.

Limitations

We identified one main limitation in our research which is the low number of informants. However, the men who wanted to participate in the research opened the most intimate parts of themselves and their lives in the interviews. The interviewed men showed vulnerability in ways that were not expected of them, and as researchers we are extremely grateful for that. Additionally, the men were extremely skilled and capable of expressing themselves and providing descriptions of themselves and their sexualities in a research setting. This allowed for the utilization of membership categorization analysis, MCA, to locate the accounts of the interviewees regarding their descriptions of themselves as well as the surrounding world.

Regardless of the small number of participants, the data collection as well as the analysis method made it possible to generate important in-depth knowledge on how men who have experienced CHSV negotiate their respectable male sexualities by navigating the norms of hegemonic masculinity in the Finnish context. Even though our study was conducted in Finland, we argue that the generated knowledge is applicable to other cultural contexts as well. We identified that men who have experienced CHSV can face various challenges regarding their self-esteem, sexual orientation as well as expectations regarding their gender roles which can be interpreted culture- and context-specifically. The stigma and shame around sexual violence victimization of men can be interpreted as a universal phenomenon, so can the silence around it since men find it difficult to disclose their sexual trauma (see Easton et al., 2014; Raatevaara-Cameron, 2024).

Conclusions

We aimed to generate new knowledge which contributes to the existing literature on male sexual victimhood, respectable sexuality, and hegemonic masculinity. Our research confirms that experiencing CHSV affects the sexuality of the male survivors in various ways (see Gewirtz-Meydan & Godbout, 2023). For this reason, navigating the hegemony of masculinity and attempting to achieve respectable sexuality is especially challenging for men who have experienced CHSV. We suggest that male survivors of CHSV need to process the experienced sexual trauma while concurrently re-building their sexualities. Men who have experienced CHSV must delve deep into themselves and discover themselves anew. In this process, while the male survivors would occasionally produce, negotiate, and maintain respectable sexualities through the hegemony of masculinity by emphasizing their hypermasculine (hetero)sexual competences, they simultaneously distance themselves from it, providing nuanced accounts on the complexities of their sexualities.

We agree with Gewirtz-Meydan and Opuda (2022), as they importantly urge researchers to “consider the socialization of boys and the dominant sexual scripts for men and women and examine how attitudes towards gender roles and perceived masculinity shape men’s sexual behaviors after experiencing abuse”. Indeed, more research on the sexualities and vulnerabilities of men who have experienced CHSV is desperately needed. CHSV has been found to cause various sexual health difficulties and dysfunctions for women (Kilimnik & Meston, 2016; Leonard & Follette, 2002; Lorenz et al., 2015; Pulverman et al., 2017, 2018; Seehuus et al., 2015), yet less research exists on the perspectives of men (see Gewirtz-Meydan & Opuda, 2022). We also suggest that better gender-specific outreach programs ought to be developed to male survivors of childhood sexual violence, as well as general awareness regarding sexual violence experienced by boys and men should be promoted.

Footnotes

Declaration of Conflicting Interests

The author(s) declared no potential conflicts of interest with respect to the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article.

Funding

The author(s) disclosed receipt of the following financial support for the research, authorship, and/or publication of this article: The study was supported by a grant from The Finnish Cultural Foundation (00240241) to Kristiina Raatevaara-Cameron.

ORCID iDs

Kristiina Raatevaara-Cameron

Helena Louhela

Author Biographies

Kristiina Raatevaara-Cameron, MA, is a Doctoral Researcher in Youth Research at the University of Tampere, Finland. Her doctoral research on sexual violence experienced in childhood focuses on the experiences of men.

Helena Louhela, PhD, Youth Research at the University of Tampere, Finland. Her research locating in Educational Psychology and Genders Studies has focused on sexual violence prevention among children and youth.

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