Abstract
Difficult focuses its readers' attention on a long-suffering population in dire need of definition, support, and services: the anguished, overwhelmed older mothers whose children “fail to launch.” The book's title and subtitle reflect the critical necessity of active involvement by mothers in the lives of offspring who are chronologically adults but unable to carry out or sustain the tasks consistent with living an adult life. Difficult reads as a personal narrative of these mothers' lived experiences and is also informative for professionals and the lay public who may take interest in the lives of these women and their children. The real-life stories of the women chosen to illustrate the book's points are vividly and compassionately detailed by the author, Judith Smith, PhD, LCSW, therapist, professor, and gerontological researcher at Fordham University. Difficult serves to define the life dilemmas these women face. It also offers support through acceptance and recognition and provides a host of resources. Dr. Smith makes a clear case for the need for public policies that address the often overwhelming burdens of the mothers who are the subject of this book.
A feminist relational viewpoint suffuses the telling of these women's stories and recognizes the interdependence of parent–child relational dynamics across the life spans of both mothers and their children. Dr. Smith's research is based on interviews, supplemented by professional literature, the scope of which is skillfully limited to the issues presented. Difficult reveals Dr. Smith's devotion to providing a thorough examination of the various circumstances faced by mothers with chronically troubled adult children. She draws from a diverse literature, including social work, sociology, developmental and evolutionary psychology, the transtheoretical model of change (motivational interviewing), feminist relational theory, systems theory, the person-in-environment paradigm, and parenting education.
The three distinct parts that structure the book assist the reader's understanding of the problem and provide a roadmap for change and support. Part I—Through a Mother's Eyes—consists of the personal stories of women whose post-childrearing years have transitioned, with varying degrees of stress, to caring for––wholly or in part––adult children unable to be self-sustaining despite their mothers' attempts to effectuate independence. The first five chapters hone in on the major common dilemmas shared by these women, all over 60 years of age, who are the subject of the book. Part I also covers the experiences of older mothers burdened by their children's chronic problems with mental health and addiction, as well as family themes of loss, violence, and early adverse life experiences. Smith examines these older mothers' challenges through a prism-like lens that helps the reader appreciate the multidimensional nature of the problems and the related events that accumulate, resulting in the mothers' decisions to intensely re-involve themselves in the lives of their adult children who have proven unable to cope independently.
Part II—Small Steps—draws primarily from the transtheoretical model of change, thus endorsing a gradual approach to the modifications often necessary in the parent–child relationship when the entrance into adulthood has gone badly awry. The strength of this section of the book is its clear and unequivocal recognition of the hard choices older women face when trying to decide when and how to help their adult children. This part of the book details for mothers the considerations they often must weigh as they puzzle through their decision-making processes and offers support for their doing so.
Part III—Helping Yourself—is a discussion of the most important ways mothers can negotiate the terrain they face in caring for their adult children. Here mothers will find self-care strategies. The book also has three appendices. One is comprised of resources for both mothers and their adult children. The second appendix describes the methodology of this empirical qualitative research study and identifies the various ambivalences these mothers grapple with in their continuing roles as mothers. The final appendix is dedicated to 33 composite profiles of the 29 American mothers featured throughout the book.
Difficult will appeal to a wide audience, most notably to women whose lives are consumed by the emotional, financial, and temporal demands of adult offspring who are unable to independently manage their own lives. It will also be informative and useful to practitioners and academics in social work, sociology, gerontology, elder abuse, developmental psychology, and mental health. It can serve as a primer for anyone who wants to understand how and why some women feel the need to remain involved, even in control, of an adult child's life. Any reader is sure to come away with a deeper appreciation for the immense burden carried by mothers who recognize an adult child's chronic state of crisis and those mothers' subsequent decision to mobilize when their adult child's limitations manifest in consequences too dire to tolerate, thus necessitating their intervention and ongoing, active involvement.
