The Shame Loop: A Method for Working with Couples

Abstract

Various authors have written recently about shame (Clark, 1995; Erskine, 1994; Kaufman, 1989; McClendon & Kadis, 1994), usually with a focus on individual work. This article explores the psychology of shame and shame affect as it is felt and expressed in couple relationships. The author also examines defenses against shame and introduces the notion of a “shame loop” to describe the energy flow in a couple relationship. The underlying script decisions perpetuated by humiliation-shame transactions are examined with reference to the dynamics of couple relationships, and a way of working with the shame loop is presented. Although primarily designed for work with couples, this material can also be applied to the relationships between a therapist and client and between supervisor and supervisee.

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