SALIL TRIPATHI reimagines the classic British comedy sketch show as if it were written in 2025
Goodness Gracious Me, a popular 1990s comedy show, satirised the amalgamation of British and Indian culture
CREDIT: Collection Christophel / British Broadcasting Corporation / Alamy
Early draft of a scene from a forthcoming episode of Goodness Gracious Me, with apologies to Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal.
“Why you want to go America when it is India only?”
Location: a well-appointed apartment in Gurugram, formerly known as Gurgaon, near India’s capital, New Delhi. The ornate sofas have tight-fitting plastic covers. A large TV shows an Indian Premier League (IPL) cricket match with the sound muted. The father is wearing a monkey cap and muffler on a white kurta and pajamas. His son paces up and down, wearing bright orange Bermudas and a dark green sleeveless T-shirt, his muscles well-toned and bulging.
SON Pappa, Pappa! I have great news. I have my visa appointment for the US Embassy! I will go with my letter of admission to Columbia. Columbia, Pappa, in New York City! The Big Apple! It is one of the best places in the world!
PAPPA Columbia? They have drugs there, and a lot of crime. You can get that even here in Gurugram.
SON Arre, what rubbish, Pappa? That is Colombia, the country! This is Columbia, the university.
PAPPA Yes, yes, same thing. But if you want to get arrested, why are you going all the way to America?
SON What? Arrested? Why?
PAPPA Don’t you see TV news? At Columbia, in your New York City, now they are putting you in jail if you protest against government. They did that to that poor Indian girl. They do that in Delhi also. But in Delhi jail you’ll at least get rice and dal. In America they will give you beef in jail, and that also with chemicals.
SON It is not so bad, Pappa, and I don’t have any opinion on Israel-Palestine. Columbia has great professors and a great South Asia department.
PAPPA What is this South Asia Department? We have a South Asian University in Delhi, you can study all about South Asia in Delhi only – you don’t have to go all the way to America to study about India.
SON But Pappa, Columbia is a world-class institution of learning!
PAPPA World-class? What nonsense you are talking. Even our JNU [Jawaharlal Nehru University] was called world class institute before it got turned into a Chinese youth camp for impressionable children like you. Look, if you want to smell tear gas and get hit by a danda [stick], don’t waste money. Go to JNU campus and not only police, even young BJP [Bharatiya Janata Party} people will come wearing masks and beat you up. Why go to New York for that?
SON But Pappa, America is special! It is the land of freedom, liberty, free speech, Statue of Liberty—
PAPPA Statue of Liberty? You saw the cover of that New York magazine?
SON It is the New Yorker, Pappa!
PAPPA Yes, New Yorker. The French will take the statue back. And what free speech in America? You think America has free speech? In today’s America, free speech is for Donald Trump and that electric car fellow. You try to say something against Trump uncle and they will call you woke, anti-national, and you will lose your job.
SON Pappa, I am not going there to criticise their government. Look at the opportunities, the jobs, the sheer number of cultures in America! It is a true melting pot.
PAPPABeta [son], why you need melting pot when we have tandoor and you can have nice biryani with melting butter?
SON You know it is not the same.
PAPPA Of course it’s the same! Same-to-same, carbon copy. America was different, but it is now just India with more guns and mild curries.
SON But see the free markets, how the companies are competing with one another and prospering.
PAPPA What competitiveness? It is like India only – in India you buy electoral bonds and nothing happens to you after that, in America you donate to Trump’s opening [inauguration] party and cases get withdrawn. One rich businessman, who knows nothing about politics or economics, becomes leader and spends all day tweeting and yelling at journalists who disagree with him. What is that? That’s not America—that’s Arnab Goswami [an Indian right-wing news anchor] with nuclear codes! Another rich businessman stops telling his consumers how much the prices are rising because of tariffs. Another businessman fires employees who criticise Israel. You call them free businessmen?
SON But you have to admit that they have the best tech companies in the world!
PAPPA But the big ones are run by Indian men with American accents and are now rolling back on policies that can get more people of colour and women to join those companies. You think if you go there you will become a CEO of Silicon Valley? They will hire you for tech support and you will have to pick up the American twang and tell customers to turn off the machine and then turn it on again, and tell them your call is important to us and may be recorded for quality and training purposes. In India also calls are recorded, and not only by the company. Here the government is listening to you and follows you on Twitter. Worse, your makhni dal from the office fridge will get stolen and people will complain and tell you not to bring smelly food.
SON Pappa! You have a closed mind. America has a great leader who will make America great again.
PAPPA Closed mind? America’s great leader? Arre, Donald Trump is Narendra Modi only but with orange hair, not orange scarf or waistcoat.
SON You are so ridiculous. America is not like India. They have institutions! Checks and balances!
PAPPA Who told you India doesn’t have checks and balances? The government checks where you go and who you meet and what you talk and what you eat, and if you are of unbalanced mind, it knows how to set you straight.
SON Come on, you’re being too cynical. In India they ban books and films and rewrite history.
PAPA You don’t know what is happening in Florida and Texas? They are banning books because it has feelings that might get hurt. They are banning books that tell readers about how today’s grandparents were shouting slogans to stop Black children from going to mixed schools. They are not letting films be seen if they offend sensibilities of Israel. They will ban The Merchant of Venice for antisemitism and 1984 and The Plot Against America for making the government’s plans public. They banned a book because it had too many feelings. FEELINGS, beta! Not even bad words – just emotions!
SON So you want me to stay only in Gurugram the rest of my life?
PAPPA At least here you have drivers and maids and cleaners; there all those poor people are herded away and sent to Venezuela, even if they are born in America.
SON But what about the opportunities I will get for research in academia, and funding?
PAPPA Funding? Even Harvard’s funding is stopped. You will get funding, haan [yes], if you do research that shows how white South Africans are the most oppressed people in the world, or how everything is Joe Biden’s fault. Here you can blame Jawaharlal Nehru for everything, and Nehru was a bigger figure than Biden.
SON You’re overreacting, you are just jealous.
PAPPANahi, beta, [no son], you want to go? Fine! Go. But don’t come crying to me when your brain is fried after watching Fox News. Here we have Aaj Tak, Republic TV, NDTV, Zee News, which are all much better than Fox News.
SON I think you’re being unfair. America still leads the world!
PAPPA Leads the world? By withdrawing from it?
SON But think of the food! The sheer diversity.
PAPPA What diversity? They call the same thing twice – naan bread, chai tea, curry spice. And what is pizza except hard uttappam, and what is risotto except khichdi?
SON Pappa, seriously. You’re impossible to argue with.
PAPPA Impossible? No, beta, I’m just practical. Beta, if you want to pay more than what something is worth, if you want to get profiled, if you want to wipe your phone each time you enter and exit the country, and if you want religion interfering in politics, why go to America? You have all of that in India. Besides, the samosas at railway stations are better here, and you learn everything from your uncles on WhatsApp – you don’t need to spend thousands of dollars in America. America also has a Gujarati who runs FBI arresting anti-national people doing domestic trouble. We also have that in India.
SON But I want to see the world. Experience things for myself.
PAPPA Fine. Go. Be free. Get educated. Just remember – when you’re stuck in customs because your last name sounds like a Basmati rice brand, don’t call me.
SON I’ll call Mummy.
PAPPA She will send you a shopping list. Let me tell you, America is like India only; it is only more expensive and wears jeans which are made in Bangladesh and they eat mangoes from Pakistan or Mexico and everything else is made in China.
Salil Tripathi is a contributing editor for Index on Censorship
