“The Bitter With the Sweet”

Abstract

This research adds to recent discussions of intergenerational ambivalence by analyzing accounts of relations with adult children from focus group interviews with older parents. When discussing their adult children, participants reveal strong desires for both autonomy and connection, leading to ambivalence about receiving assistance from them. They define themselves as independent but hope that children’s help will be available if needed. They are annoyed by children’s over protectiveness but appreciate the concern it expresses. They use a variety of strategies to deal with their ambivalent feelings, such as minimizing the help they receive, ignoring or resisting children’s attempts to control, withholding information from children to maintain clear boundaries, seeking others as confidants, and rationalizing children’s unavailability. They actively strive for a balance in their relationships with children. The authors interpret their findings in relation to their children’s styles of offering help and discuss implications for practitioners.